r 


UNlVl.h^lir  OF 
CALIfORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO       • 


1 


A  New  Collection  of  Sayings,  Essays  and  Stories 

by  Abe  Martin,  Together  With  a  Free  and  Full 

Discussion  of  the  Suffrage  Question  From 

Every  Angle  by  Such  Eminent  Minds 

as  Mame  Moon,  Fawn  Lippincut, 

Tawney  Apple,  Germ  Williams, 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots,  Hon.  Ex- 

editur  Cale  Fluhart,  Ez  Pash, 

Etc.,  Etc.,  Etc. 


Illustrated  by  the  Author 

ABE  MARTIN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

INDIANAPOLIS 

ONE  DOLLAR  NET 


To  my  friend,  Frank  E.  (Pinky)  Kerr, 
in  memory  of  our  old  amateur  show 
days  back  in  Bellefontaine,  Ohio. 


Our  thanks  are  due 

The  Indianapolis  News  and  The  American 

Magazine  for  permission  to  republish  a 

part  of  the  contents  of  this  volume 


Abe  Martin 


Of  "BrcWn  County,  Indiana 

From  a  photograph  taken  day  before 
yesterday 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Ez  Pash  says  he  allus  hates  t'  break  in  a 
clean  towel. 


No  woman  ever  knows  how  many  potatoes 
t'  bake. 


It  allus  upsets  some  folks'  plans  t'  pay  fer 
anything. 


Nobuddy  ever  listened  t'  reason  on  a  empty 
stomach. 


America  is  th'  land  o'  opportunity  —  Ambas- 
sador Whitelaw  Reid  came  from  Xenia,  Ohio. 

* 

Ther  hain't  nothin'  as  annoyin'  t'  sensible 
folks  as  continuous  applause. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Where's  th'   ole  time  girl  that  wuz  allus 
promisin'  t'  have  some  pictures  struck? 


Uncle  Niles  Turner's  youngest  grandson 
has  been  married  almost  two  weeks  an'  still 
wears  white  shirts. 


Professor  Alex  Tansey  has  bought  a  new 
eighty-eight  note  player  planner,  an'  he  ex- 
pects t'  pay  ever'  one  o'  them  by  July  first. 


Too  many  speakers  spoil  th'  banquet. 


Most  anybuddy  '11  take  a  umbreller  'cause 
they've  had  two  er  three  stolen  'emselves. 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


Flattery  won't  hurt  you  if  you  don't  swal- 
low it. 


It's  better  t'  have  loved  an'  lost  than  try  t' 
pick  out  a  gocart  with  your  wife. 


A  feller  that  fails  in  th'  East  would  starve 
in  th'  West. 


It's  no  disgrace  t'  be  poor,  but  it  might  as 
well  be. 


Mrs.  Edith  Mopps  an'  her  daughter  Edythe 
Tuesdayed  in  Seymour. 


Folks  that  blurt  out  jist  what  they  think 
wouldn'  be  so  bad  if  they  thought. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


What's  become  o'  th'  feller  that  used  t' 
chew  a  quill  toothpick  with  a  bubble  on  th' 
end? 


It  seems  like  jist  as  soon  as  a  woman  be- 
comes a  delegate  t'  somethin'  her  hair  be- 
comes unmanageable. 


An  all  around  feller  gathers  no  moss. 

* 

A  holiday   is   hardly   worth   th'   energy   it 
takes  t'  get  back  in  th'  harness  agin. 


When  you  do  find  a  boy  that's  tryin'  t'  git 
a  education  he  seems  t'  think  ever'buddy  in 
th'  world  ought  t'  help  him. 

(31 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


What's  become  o'  th'  old  fashioned  gentle- 
man with  a  plug  hat  an'  a  dirty  shirt? 


Professor  Alex  Tansey  says  that  his  prin- 
cipal objection  t'  winter  is  that  his  hat  is  allus 
out  o'  date  when  he  quits  wearin'  his  cap. 


Nobuddy  works  as  hard  fer  his  money  as 
th'  feller  that  marries  it. 


It  hain't  Been  so  long  since  a  feller  used  t' 
say,  "Why,  I'd  no  more  think  o'  doin'  that 
than  I'd  think  o'  flyin'." 


Girls  that  violate  all  th'  rules  o'  th'  woman's 
page  seem  t'  look  th'  swellest. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


It  seems  like  th'  more  shiftless  a  farmer  is 
th'  bigger  he  puts  his  name  on  his  mail  box. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Nobuddy  has  a  worse  time  at  a  party  than 
th'  feller  with  a  pop'lar  wife. 


Liver   spots   are    almost   unknown   in   dry 
towns. 


Some  folks  don't  like  nothin'  better  than  t' 
describe  somethin'  that  baffles  description. 


Th'  feller  that  asks  fer  a  position  haint  look- 
in'  fer  work. 


After  a  feller  gits  all  th'  pins  out  o'  a  new 
shirt  he's  too  tired  t'  dress  up. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


It  seems  like  homely  women  are  never  at 
home. 


When  you  see  how  well  some  folks  git 
along  without  workin'  you're  almost  con- 
vinced ther's  a  Santy  Claus. 


Jack  Craw,  who  broke  out  of  jail  Saturday 
night,  returned  an'  give  himself  up  this  morn- 
in'  as  he  wuzn'  makin'  runnin'  expenses. 


Ther  hain't  no  favorites  in  th'  school  o'  ex- 
perience. 

jh 

Most  homely  women  make  'emselves  home- 
lier by  addin'  some  little  touch  t'  keep  from 
bein'  so  homely. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Folks  that  er  fond  o'  pets  allus  neglect  'em. 


Whom  some  folks  would  skin  they  first  give 
a  se-gar. 


Watchin'  a  cipher  tryin'  t'  cut  a  figure  is 
allus  amusin'. 


A  feller  will  quarrel  with  his  wife  at  break- 
fast an'  tip  a  waiter  at  noon. 


One  o'  th'  most  pop'lar  brands  o'  insomnia 
is  layin'  awake  tryin' t'  figure  out  some  way  t' 
soak  a  railroad. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


It's  a  wonder  women  don't  shut  th'  car  door 
occasionally  jist  t'  show  off. 


Ever'buddy    thinks    Pinky    Kerr    is    sellin' 
minin'  stock  'cause  he's  such  a  gentleman. 


Sendin'  your  folks  away  fer  a  few  days  is 
jist  like  equippin'  a  dramatic  company. 


Competitors  allus  pr'tend  t'  think  so  much 
o'  each  other  when  they  meet  socially. 

ifc 

Th'  feller  without  a  education  these  days 
don't  git  much  higher'n  a  county  fair  aviator. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Somehow  a  toupee  never  looks  th'  part. 


Great  men  come  an'  go,  but  th'  feller  that 
looks  like  Bryan  attracts  as  much  attention  as 
he  ever  did. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Lem  Ackison 


Lem  Ackison  wuz  th'  best  supernumerary 
actor  I  ever  seen.  Ever  time  a  troupe  come  t' 
our  town  that  had  t'  have  some  soldiers  er  a 
mob  er  a  jury  scene, 
Lem  Ackison  wuz  on 
hand.  He  wuz  jist  a 
natural  born  super  an' 
when  he'd  come  aroun' 
t'  Melodeon  Hall  on  th' 
evenin'  o'  a  show  he'd 
burn  a  cork  an'  mark  a 
big  fierce  mustache  an' 
goatee  on  his  face  an' 
be  ready  fer  business. 

Some  great  shows 
used  t'  be  glad  t'  come 
t'  our  town  in  th'  ole 
days.  Ther  wuz  Hazel 
Kirke,  Fogg's  Ferry,  Lights  o'  London,  Th' 
Hidden  Hand  an'  Th'  Little  Nugget.  Th' 
Little  Nugget  used  t'  come  four  er  five  times 


Lem  Ackison  in  Her  Atone 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


a  season  an'  allus  turned  people  away.  If 
you'd  meet  Manager  Plum  on  th'  street  an' 
ask  him  what  wuz  comin'  he'd  git  out  a  little 
book  an'  wipe  his  spectacles  an'  say,  "Little 
Nudget,  th'  fifth  an'  sixth."  It  jist  seemed  like 
ever'  time  Th'  Little  Nugget  got  hard  up  it 
come  back  t'  Melodeon  Hall. 

Lem  Ackison  could  play  a  wolf  in  th'  sup- 
port o'  Frank  Mayo  in  Davy  Crockett  jist  as 
easy  as  he  could  play  a  galley  slave  in  A  Cele- 
brated Case,  but  he  confided  t'  me  one  time 
that  a  "pheasant"  in  Faust  wuz  his  long  suit. 

Lem's  mother  wuz  a  great  student  o'  th' 
drammer,  too,  an'  lived  next  door  t'  Melodeon 
Hall.  When  a  play  would  come  along  that 
used  a  grandfather's  clock  she  allus  let  th' 
manager  have  hers.  When  you  went  t'  th' 
the-ater  and  seen  her  in  th'  front  row  o'  th' 
parquet  you  knowed  ther  would  be  a  grand- 
father's clock  in  th'  play,  an'  if  you  seen  a 
clock  when  th'  curtain  went  up  you  knowed 
where  t'  look  fer  her. 

Lem  Ackison  drove  a  dray  an'  read  Th'  Clip- 
per when  he  wuzn*  actin.  One  day  a  troupe 


SHORT    FURROWS 


come  t'  town  called  Her  Atonement.  It  car- 
ried a  carload  o'  scenery,  a  drum  corps,  a  brass 
band  an'  a  E-flat  cast.  It  wuz  th'  best  chance 
Lem  had  ever  had  t'  show  his  versatility.  He 
played  a  soldier,  a  peasant,  a  newsboy,  a  pris- 
oner an'  the  foreman  o'  th'  jury — all  with  th' 
same  fierce  cork  mustache  an'  goatee.  He  wuz 
so  willin'  that  th'  manager  asked  him  t'  join  th' 
show.  Th'  show  went  from  our  town  t'  Xenia 
an'  I'll  never  fergit  th'  stingin'  cold  January 
mornin'  Lem  drove  down  Main  street  perched 
high  on  a  big  load  o'  dingy,  banged-up  trunks 
an'  scenery,  smilin'  from  ear  t'  ear  an'  wavin' 
at  ever'buddy  he  met. 

About  a  month  later  he  come  back  wearin' 
a  loud  plaid  cape  overcoat  an'  a  little  brown 
derby  hat  with  a  three-quarter  inch  brim  an' 
carryin'  a  black  oilcloth  valise  with  tin  rosettes 
on  th'  sides  an'  "The-ater"  pasted  on  one  end. 
When  Manager  Plum  asked  him  if  he  wuz 
goin'  t'  rejoin  th'  troupe  he  said,  "Not  on  pur- 
pose." But  th'  funniest  thing  wuz  when  Ez 
Pash  asked  him  what  states  he  passed  thro' 
an'  he  said,  "How'd  I  know?  We  traveled  at 
night." 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Th'  consumer  pays  th'  travelin'  man's  tips. 


Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Tipton  Bud,  who  have  been 
quarantined  fer  two  weeks,  have  both  applied 
fer  a  divorce. 


What's  become  o'  all  th'  sensible  young  fel- 
lers that  th'  girls  used  t'  call  green? 


Ther  hain't  nothin'  as  deceivin'  as  a  purty 
lead  pencil. 


Ther's  so  blamed  many  perfect  men  an* 
women  in  th'  country  it's  a  wonder  a  couple 
o'  'em  don't  git  married. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


A  married  man  allus  has  three  times  as  many 
things  t'  carry  on  a  rainy  day. 


Nothin'  makes  a  newspaper  man  as  mad  as 
havin'  t'  pay  t'  see  somethin'. 


A  touch  is  often  worse  than  a  knock. 


Folks  that  have  ever'thing  charged  seem  t' 
git  all  th'  courtesies. 


Th'  more  cigarettes  cost  th'  more  they  smell 
like  a  hot  lead  pencil  eraser. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


A  grouch  escapes  so  many  little  annoyances 
that  it  almost  pays  t'  be  one. 


Th'  actin'  marred  a  performance  o'  East 
Lynne  at  th'  Melodeon  Hall  last  night. 


Lafe  Bud  speaks  three  languages — English, 
baseball  an'  dairy  lunch. 


Constable   Plum   is   shakin'  hands   fer  re- 
election. 


It  pays  t'  be  honest,  but  it  don't  pay  enough 
t'  suit  some  fellers. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Nothin's  as  hard  as  goin'  back  t'  work  after 
you've  been  narrowly  defeated  fer  a  fat  office. 


T'morrow  is  Mothers'  Day,  if  she  kin  find 
somebuddy  t'  work  in  her  place. 


Ther's  lots  o'  difference  between  havin' 
money  enough  t'  buy  a  tourin'  car  an'  bein' 
able  t'  own  one. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  is  in  town  t'day  t'  hear  her 
mother's  will  read  an'  may  buy  a  tourin'  car. 


Who  remembers  th'  good  ole  times  when 
Mabel  an'  Myrtle  spent  ther  evenin's  at  home? 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Lafe  Bud  refused  two  good  situations  yis- 
terday  t'  accept  a  position. 


Constable  Newt  Plum,  actin'  manager  o' 
Melodeon  Hall,  is  lookin'  fer  a  feller  that  don't 
know  anybuddy  t'  take  tickets. 


Anybuddy  that's  ever  tried  t'  raise  a  garden 
knows  why  a  hen  crosses  th'  road. 


Speakin'  o'  scented  talcum,  Pinky  Kerr  says 
he  prefers  th'  hardwood  finish. 


It  don't  cost  half  as  much  t'  live  if  you're 
anpopular. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


What's  become  o'  th'  sweet,  ole  fashioned 
girl  that  used  t'  tag  after  her  mother? 


A  woman  will  skulk  away  an'  droop  when 
crossed  in  love  an'  fight  t'  th'  last  ditch  t'  git 
fifty-five  clothes  pins  fer  a  dime. 


Some  fellers  haint  ashamed  t'  go  in  a  saloon, 
but  they  hate  t'  come  out. 


Anything  has  t'  be  awful  good  t'  be  good 
enough  fer  th'  money  these  days. 


[5] 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Constable  Newt  Plum  says  what  he  can't 
understand  is  how  J.  Bruce  Ismay  happened 
t'  miss  th'  first  three  boats. 


Transparent   hosiery   haint   doin'    much   t' 
boom  th'  straight  an'  narrow  path. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  Grand  Marshal 


A  grand  marshal  is  a  feller  who's  too  un- 
pop'lar  t'  hold  a  salaried  office  but  who  pos- 
sesses all  th'  essential  qualifications  o'  a  gilt 
edged  general  er  a  fiery  rear-admiral. 

Grand  marshals  come  in  all  shapes  an'  sizes, 
but  a  first-class  A  No.  1  grand  marshal  weighs 
two  hundred  an'  fifty  pounds  an'  kin  wear  any 
size  helmet.  He  has  a  stiff,  droopin'  mustache 
like  a  sea  lion,  that  not  only  gives  him  th'  ap- 
pearance o'  bein'  a  gentleman  who  is  quick  on 
th'  trigger,  but  also  serves  as  a  never  failin' 
soup  strainer. 

An  ideal  grand  marshal  retires  on  th'  evenin' 
precedin'  th'  day  o'  th'  pe-rade  at  th'  usual 
hour  an'  gits  up  in  th'  mornin'  with  th'  Eng- 
lish sparrows  an'  squirms  int'  a  glossy  black 
suit  an'  shines  his  shoes  with  stove  polish. 
After  worryin'  down  a  breakfast  fcr  a  tiger  he 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


shakes  th'  coffee  grounds  out  o'  his  mustache 
an'  summons  his  wife.  Then  th'  work  o'  ad- 
justin'  his  red  oiled  muslin  sash  begins.  At 


six  o'clock  he's  in  th'  saddle,  an'  at  six-thirty 
he  has  four  drinks  under  his  sash.  By  eight 
he's  pickled  but  erect. 

It  does  not  make  any  difference  t'  a  grand 
marshal  what  hour  o'  th'  day  th'  street  pe-rade 
is  t'  start.  All  he  wants  t'  know  is  th'  date. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Rushin'  madly  up  an'  down  th'  main  street,  th' 
grand  marshal  personally  supervises  th'  ar- 
rangement o'  flags  an'  buntin',  pushes  th'  pea- 
nut roasters  nearer  th'  court-house  fence  an' 
drives  th'  prominent  citizens  back  o'  th'  dead 
line. 

"Git  back,  stand  back!  Ever'buddy  git 
back ! !"  th'  grand  marshal  cries,  as  he  charges 
at  full  speed  upon  th'  aged  an'  infirm,  panic- 
stricken  mothers  an'  children  an'  indignant 
merchants.  Ever'buddy  looks  alike  t'  him. 
Little  children  hate  a  grand  marshal  an'  in 
after  years  they'll  point  'em  out  an'  say,  "Curse 
that  ole  geezer.  He  wuz  a  grand  marshal 
once  when  I  wuz  a  child!  Away  with  him!" 

If  th'  town  is  dry  a  grand  marshal  drinks 
in  a  box  stall.  If  it  has  open  saloons  he  drinks 
in  all  o'  'em.  To  anybuddy  that's  got  a  particle 
o'  humor  in  his  makeup  ther's  few  funnier 
spectacles  than  a  grand  marshal,  but  he  should 
be  viewed  from  th'  belfry  o'  th'  court-house, 
where  his  maneuvers  kin  be  enjoyed  with  im- 
punity, beyond  th'  reach  o'  his  hickory  breath 
an'  heavy  cane. 


Th'  boy  that  pays  his  own  way  thro'  college 
never  wins  th'  standin'  broad  jump. 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  little  grandson  went 
t*  th'  circus  t'day  jist  t'  take  his  parents. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  havin'  sinkers  put  on 
her  blue  lisle  skirt  fer  th'  croquet  contest. 


Some  statesmen  drop  out  an'  try  t'  come 
back,  but  Bryan  never  leaves. 


I'd  like  t'  be  President  jist  t'  see  th'  country. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  she's  got  a  aunt 
that's  so  prominent  nobuddy  knows  her  hus- 
band's first  name. 


Tilford  Moots'  nephew,  who  is  prominently 
mentioned  for  th'  legislature  out  in  Nevada, 
didn'  only  begin  life  a  poor  boy,  but  his  mother 
cut  his  hair. 


Rev.  Wiley  Tanger  has  set  Wednesday  aside 
fer  ameteur  night  at  th'  Baptist  church. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  rag  man,  with 
a  red  wagon  an'  team  o'  white  mules,  that 
used  t'  give  you  a  five-cent  tin  cup  fer  four 
dollars'  worth  o'  rags? 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


We  still  have  a  few  all  wool  Republicans. 


Em  Moon  an'  her  man  have  been  married 
six  months  t'day.  Don't  it  beat  all  how  some 
folks  git  along  t'gether? 


Nothin'  makes  a  feller  feel  as  independent 
as  havin*  two  er  three  dollars  over  expenses. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud's  brother,  whose  second 
wife  died  Saturday,  has  commenced  t*  shave 
his  neck  fer  a  third  term. 


Lafe  Bud  has  thrown  away  his  union  suit 
an'  seceded. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


9 


Between  th'  feller  that's  waitin'  fer  some- 
thin'  t'  turn  up  an'  th'  feller  that's  lookin'  fer 
somethin'  that  jist  suits  him  ther's  gittin'  t' 
be  tbb  many  initot'ent  bystanders  in  this  coun- 
try. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 


It's  all  right  t'  protect  th'  farmer,  but  we 
shouldn'  make  him  pay  fer  it  ever'  time  he 
comes  t'  town. 


Most  folks  '11  join  anything  that  gives  a 
annual  banquet. 


You  kin  allus  bet  that  a  feller  with  a  stove 
h;  his  hat  has  jist  come  out  o'  a  nickel  the-ater. 


Ike  Moon,  who  will  be  operated  on  t'mor- 
row,  will  leave  a  wife  an'  three  children. 


Any  feller  likes  t'  be  seen  with  a  stylish 
girl,  but  when  he  thinks  o'  proposin'  he  allus 
shies  at  th'  upkeep. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Hon.  Ex-editur  Cale  Fluhart  wuz  a  power 
politically  fer  years,  but  he  never  got  promi- 
nent enough  t'  have  his  speeches  garbled. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  has  stopped  her  newspaper 
an'  got  on  a  party  wire. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 

Ther's  lots  o'  folks  we'd  like  t'  shake  hands 
with  if  they  didn'  talk  so  long. 


Why  don't  doctors  move  out  in  th'  country, 
where  th'  farmers  er  allus  complainin'? 


A  feller  an'  his  tires  are  soon  busted. 


Our  new  nickel  the-ater  opened  last  night 
an'  took  in  fourteen  dollars  right  off  th'  reel. 


A    nonproducer    should    be    seen,    but    not 
heard. 


A  grandmother  allus  wants  t'  give  th'  baby 
a  pickle. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  hardest  thing  a  woman  does  is  mail  a 
package  at  merchandise  rates  without  hidin' 
a  letter  in  it. 


Th'  easiest  thing  in  th'  world  is  t'  git  speak- 
ers fer  a  banquet  an'  th'  hardest  thing  in  th' 
world  is  t'  stop  'em. 


Nobuddy  kin  talk  as  long  an'  as  convincin'ly 
agin  th'  high  cost  o'  livin  as  th'  feller  that 
don't  even  know  what  his  wife  is  payin'  fer 
sugar. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  resigned  from  th' 
Shakespeare  Club  'cause  she  looks  so  ugly  in 
nose  glasses. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 


Miss  Myrt  Spry,  physical  instructor  o'  th' 
high  school,  overtaxed  herself  while  doin'  a 
little  housework  t'day. 


Dock  Mopps  said  Uncle  Ez  Pash  wuz  gittin' 
locomotor  ataxi,  an'  Niles  Turner  said,  "He'd 
better  pay  fer  his  phonograph  first." 


Life  is  full  o'  surprises,  but  th'  worst  o'  'em 
all  is  runnin'  on  t'  a  pebble  in  a  spoonful  o' 
beans. 


Tell  Binkley  says  he  wouldn'  want  t'  be 
Vice-President  o'  th'  United  States  'cause 
ther's  no  chance  fer  promotion. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Miss  Mazie  Bud  has  returned  from  a  five 
weeks'  visit  'mongst  relatives.  It  takes  some 
folks  a  long  time  t'  get  enough  o'  relatives. 


You  kin  allus  bet  a  storekeeper  with  a  bell 
on  his  door  don't  advertise. 


A  feller  never  knows  where  he  got  a  bad  cold 
er  a  plugged  dime. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple's  cousin  says  he's  never 
been  able  t'  find  as  good  a  job  as  he  had  be- 
fore he  went  thro'  college. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  she'd  hate  t'  have 
a  husband  that  wuz  a  aviator  an*  not  know 
whether  t'  go  ahead  an'  git  supper  er  not. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Ther  hain't  nothin'  as  good  as  dandylion 
greens  fer  that  "Oh,  let  th'  farm  run  itself" 
feelin'. 


You  wouldn'  know  some  husbands  when  th' 
doctor  is  in  th'  room. 


After  a  plaintiff  gits  thro'  with  th'  courts 
he's  too  ole  t'  spend  his  damages. 


Before  Professor  Tansey  took  hold  o'  our 
school  th'  board  asked  him  if  th'  Mississippi 
river  flowed  north  er  south,  an'  he  said,  "I 
teach  both  ways." 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Nobuddy  kin  resent  a  reflection  on  his  repu- 
tation as  quickly  as  th'  feller  that's  got  nuthin' 
t'  lose  but  his  watch. 


Nobuddy   ever   went   into   politics   fer   his 
health  that  showed  any  improvement. 


It  wouldn't  help  some  fellers  if  opportunity 
broke  th'  door  in. 


17) 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Women  allus  want  t'  spend  ever'thing  er 
save  ever'thing. 


Tipton  Bud  got  a  circular  this  mornin'  from 
a  land  company,  sayin'  "Texas  Wants  You," 
an'  he  expects  t'  leave  this  week. 


SHORT    FURROWS 

It  takes  a  thin  child  t'  hide  behind  its  mother 
these  days. 


It's  wonderful  what  a  fund  o'  information 
th'  feller  has  that's  "not  doin'  anything  now." 


It  used  t'  be  considered  quite  a  send  off  t' 
be  called  conservative. 


You  kin  git  a  purty  fair  idea  o'  some  fellers 
by  ther  wives'  expression. 

* 

Miss  Germ  Williams  wuz  defeated  fer  th' 
secretaryship  o'  th'  Ladies'  Franchise  League 
because  she's  too  effeminate. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Th'  old-fashioned  mother  seems  t'  have  got 
along  purty  well  without  an  electric  iron  an' 
th'  ballot. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple,  who's  takin'  penman- 
ship by  mail,  kin  now  write  a  runnin'  hand 
while  standin'. 


It'll  be  fun  t*  wait  an'  see  how  ther  goin'  t' 
cut  a  fifteen-cent  slice  o'  ham  any  thinner. 


This  has  been  a  busy  summer  fer  th'  sum- 
mer girl,  powderin'  her  nose  an'  her  arms  an' 
her  shoes. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Some  fellers  '11  take  anything  but  a  joke. 


Uncle  Milt  Bud  passed  away  yisterday  on 
th'  farm  where  he  raised  his  first  whiskers. 
He  wuz  ninety-eight  years  ole,  chawed  ter- 
backer  all  his  life  an'  never  seen  East  Lynne. 

Tf* 

As  long  as  th'  people  are  afraid  o'  hurtin' 
business  they'll  never  rule. 


It's  purty  hard  t'  git  ahead  these  days  with- 
out trippin'  your  friends. 


What's  become  o'  th'  feller  that  used  t'  wear 
a  peach  stone  watch  charm? 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Th'  average  husband  is  only  too  glad  t'  have 
a  mother-in-law  around  these  days. 


No  matter  what  position  you  assume  in  th' 
back  seat  o*  a  tourin'  car,  you  allus  look  like 
you  thought  th'  rest  o'  th'  world  wuz  waitin' 
till  you  git  t'  your  office. 


You  allus  find  th'  most  kickers  where  ever'- 
buddy's  got  a  equal  chance. 


Twelve  dollars  a  month  an'  no  picture  shows 
makes  Jack  leave  th'  farm. 


One  front  tooth  an'  all  is  lost. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  feller  that's  nominated  by  acclamation 
is  generally  defeated  th'  same  way. 


Some  fellers  are  a  reg'lar  circus  fer  th'  girls 
when  it  comes  t'  rings. 


Th'  leadin'  mystery  in  any  little  town  is  how 
some  family  manages  t'  live. 

tfc 

It's  all  right  t'  pay  as  you  go  —  unless  you're 
goin'  t'  th'  United  States  Senate. 


If  ever'buddy's  liver  wuz  all  right  wouldn' 
this  world  be  a  paradise? 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


Lots  o'  us  have  gone  broke  trustin'  Provi- 
dence. 


Rain  an'  apathy  kin  run  any  convention. 


A  friend  with  a  auto  is  a  friend  indeed. 


Th'  acoustics  o'  Melodeon  hall  have  been 
greatly  improved  an'  you  kin  now  hear  a  egg 
drop  in  any  part  o'  th'  house. 


Th'  pustoffice  is  closed  t'day  on  account  o' 
th'  pustmaster  bein'  unavoidably  called  away 
on  a  huntin'  trip. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Some  folks  seem  t'  git  clean  thro'  life  on  a 
technicality. 


[8] 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


It  costs  more  t'  keep  some  folks'  good  will 
than  it  does  a  cow. 


When  anybuddy  tells  you  you  haint  changed 
a  bit  it's  usually  'cause  they  can't  think  o' 
nothin'  else  t'  say. 


Th'   feller  that's  short  in  his  accounts   is 
allus  long  on  somethin'  else. 


Some   fellers  pay  a  compliment  like  they 
expected  a  receipt. 


A  pessimist  is  a  feller  that  bought  a  set  o' 
Waverly  novels  fer  25  cents  down  an'  finally 
had  t'  pay  fer  'em. 


SHORT    FURROWS 

Th'  smokin'  end  o'  a  Pullman  is  allus  full  o' 
big  fat  fellers  talkin'  about  Texas. 


No  girl  ever  marries  as  well  as  her  folks  say 
she  does. 


After  bein'  on  th'  road  forty-two  weeks 
without  stoppin'  a  single  bad  egg,  Lafe  Bud's 
cousin  closed  with  th'  Little  Magnet  Comedy 
Company  last  night. 


It  seems  like  th'  later  women  come  t'  th' 
the-ater  th'  broader  ther  hats  are. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


You  never  know  a  feller's  true  worth  till  th' 
week  before  he  asks  t'  git  off  fer  a  few  days. 


Ever  notice  how  quick  a  feller  that  really 
knows  somethin'  kin  break  up  a  discussion? 


Th'  day  has  gone  by  when  business  walked 
up  an'  introduced  itself. 


Who  remembers  th'  ole  steroscope  with 
views  o'  th'  Hudson  river  an'  Broadway  on  a 
Rainy  Day  that  you  used  t'  set  in  th'  parlor 
an'  look  thro'  while  your  girl  wuz  dressin'  fer 
th'  the-ater? 


One  bad  thing  about  talkin'  too  much  is 
keepin'  your  se-gar  lit. 


SHORT    FURROWS 

Editorials  on  edible  mushrooms  make  fat 
grave  yards. 


Al  Marsh  came  back  from  Colorado  yister- 
day  lookin'  like  another  man,  but  constable 
Plum  recognized  him. 


Folks  that  jump  at  conclusions  nearly  allus 
light  on  ther  necks. 


A  ugly  girl  allus  takes  a  swell  photo. 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


You  can't  keep  a  good  man  down,  but  they 
allus  defeat  him  fer  a  city  office. 


Like  th'  landlord  o'  th'  only  hut-tel  in  town, 
some  wives  only  cook  what  they  like  'em- 
selves. 


Even  th'  fact  that  alderberries  require  little 
sugar  don't  seem  t'  stimulate  th'  demand. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Wives  o'  Great  Men 


It  seems  like  th'  greater  a  feller  is  th'  harder 
it  is  fer  his  wife  t'  live  with  him.  Look  at  Art 
Smiley.  He's  a  great  business  man  an'  owns 
a  big  tile  mill  an'  is  a  director  of  a  bank  an' 
th'  auditor  o'  his  county.  Now  his  poor  little 
thin  wife  comes  along  an'  gits  a  divorce,  th' 
custody  o'  th'  children,  th',  old  home  place  an' 
fifty  dollars  a  week  alimony.  Art  is  a  great 
success  at  ever'thing  but  bein'  a  husband.  If 
he  had  used  th'  same  tactics  at  home  that  he 
used  while  campaignin'  fer  auditor  he'd  be 
there  this  minute  settin'  by  his  grate  covered 
with  children  an'  tryin'  t'  smoke  an'  listen  t' 
his  wife  read  th'  society  page  out  loud.  But 
he  got  too  great. 

Most  any  kind  of  a  feller  kin  git  along  with 
a  wife  if  he  half  way  tries.  Jist  look  at  a  dress- 
maker's husband.  Ther  haint  nothin'  in  th' 
world  as  triflin'  an'  lazy  as  a  dress-maker's 
husband,  an'  yet  he  kin  give  most  any  man 
cards  an'  spades  when  it  comes  t'  bein'  pop'lar 
around  home. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Have  you  ever  noticed  how  a  intellectual 
giant's  wife  sticks  around  th'  background  like 
a  freckled  girl?  Her  husband  found  it  very 
easy  t'  act  like  a  human  bein'  while  he  wuz 
sparkin'  her  an'  monopolizin'  th'  only  warm 


room  in  her  home.  She  never  knew  what  a 
really  great  man  he  wuz  till  he  got  in  th'  lime- 
light an'  now  she  feels  like  a  odd  cuff  button. 
A  great  feller  never  gits  it  rubbed  off  fer  even 
one  evenin'.  He  never  looks  right  in  a  the-ater 


er  laughs  when  other  folks  do.  He  thinks  he's 
pop'lar  when  folks  er  only  afraid  o'  him.  You 
kin  tell  by  th'  way  a  great  feller  pays  his  car 
fare  er  buys  a  newspaper  that  whoever  mar- 
ried him  is  tremblin'  an'  wonderin'  what  he's 
goin'  t'  hop  her  about  when  he  gits  home.  Th' 
only  time  most  great  men  ever  refer  t'  their 
wives  is  when  they  kick  on  expenses,  an'  th' 
only  time  ther  ever  seen  with  'em  is  at  a  fu- 
neral, er  at  some  highfalootin'  function  where 
it's  absolutely  necessary  fer  th'  looks  o'  things. 
Then  all  th'  other  women  '11  say,  "What  on 
earth  do  you  suppose  any  man  ever  seen  in 
that  little  dried  up  thing,"  er  "She  must  o'  had 
money."  A  great  feller's  wife  nevet  gits  no 
credit  fer  anything  unless  his  career  is  spoiled. 
Occasionally  her  name  gits  in  th'  paper 
in  connection  with  some  charitable  affair, 
but  that's  only  because  her  husband  is  great. 
Some  women  git  on  your  nerves  once  in  a 
while,  but  I  don't  care  how  great  ther  hus- 
bands are  they  ought  t'  remember  that  it'll 
soon  be  t'morrow  an'  they  kin  go  down  town 
agin. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


A  few  kind  words  mean  a  whole  lot  more  t' 
th'  average  wife  than  a  great  husband,  but 
great  husbands  never  find  it  out  till  ther  wives 
have  packed  up  an'  gone  back  t'  ther  folks  an' 
th'  newspapers  print  ther  side  first.  Ther's  a 
whole  lot  o'  difference  between  a  real  husband 
an'  a  generous  provider.  If  your  wife  is  fond 
o'  musical  treats  an'  settlement  work  you 
should  be  willin'  t'  stay  at  home  alone  a  few 
evenin's  each  week.  If  she  wants  you  t'  hold 
th'  baby  while  she  votes,  do  it  willin'ly.  If 
she  objects  t'  gittin'  breakfast  'cause  she  looks 
so  ugly  in  th'  mornin'  you  should  only  be  too 
glad. 

O'  course  ther's  some  women  that  even  a 
dressmaker's  husband  couldn'  git  along  with, 
but  how  very  easy  it  is  t'  git  a  travelin'  posi- 
tion. Most  any  women  '11  be  kind  t'  you  oc- 
casionally. You  kin  even  git  along  with  a 
Swiss  waiter  by  handin'  him  a  quarter  now  an' 
then. 

A  great  man  really  ought  t'  be  glad  t'  git 
out  o'  th'  limelight  an'  spend  a  few  hours  at 
home  with  th'  girl  who  knew  him  when  he 


SHORT    FURROWS 


clerked  in  a  grocery  an'  who  remembers  when 
he  turned  his  cuffs,  used  perfume  an'  cut  his 
own  hair. 

Ther's  very  few  wives  o'  great  men  who 
don't  quietly  sigh  fer  th'  ole  days. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


It  takes  a  purty  smart  feller  t'  admit  he 
doesn't  know. 


After  all  ther  haint  nothin'  as  yellow  as  ole 
Mr.  Public. 


Some  fellers'  idea  o'  reciprocity  is  returnin' 
a  quarter  an'  borrowin'  a  dollar. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he  allus  feels  like  an  odd  cuff 
button  when  his  mother-in-law  visits  him. 


A  reckless  driver  allus  seems  partial  t'  yel- 
low runnin'  gears. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  rich  man  gits  his  picture  in  th'  paper 
when  he  dies  an'  th'  poor  man  when  he's 
cured. 


When  a  woman  gits  too  much  change  back 
she  jist  thinks  it's  destiny. 


Th'  feller  that's  his  own  worst  enemy  is  too 
often  th'  best  friend  o'  a  lot  o'  other  folks. 


Th'  world  is  gittin'  better  —  Wapakoneta, 
Ohio,  has  a  Republican  mayor. 


Never  take  a  hammer  t'  a  banquet. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 

Some  fellers  wouldn'  even  take  a  bath  if  it 
wuzn  fer  opposition. 


Bud  Tyler,  whose  father  is  dangerously 
sick,  has  joined  th'  Reg'lar  Army  fer  fear  he'll 
inherit  th'  farm. 


We're  allus  disappointed  when  we  see  a  fel- 
ler named  Lionel. 


A  lightnin*  rod  agent  registered  at  th'  New 
Palace  Monday,  an'  when  th'  clerk  asked  him 
if  he  wanted  a  room  with  a  bath  he  said, 
"Nope,  I  won't  be  here  Saturday." 


All  hens  fail  in  cold  weather. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Lafe  Bud's  got  one  o'  'em  new  catterpiller 
hats. 


Ther's  a  unwritten  law  agin'  goin'  any  fur- 
ther than  th'  door  with  a  dressin'  jacket  on. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  minister  that 
parted  his  hair  on  th'  side? 


Powerful  few  things  look  as  shiftless  as  a 
man  behind  a  stove. 


Ther's  gittin  t'  be  too  blamed  many  women 
in  th'  suffrage  business  that'd  rather  lead  than 
vote. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Some  fellers  er  allus  talkin'  about  acceptin' 
a  position  jist  like  negotiations  had  been 
pendin'  fer  years. 


Marriage  reforms  some  fellers  an'  others  git 
married  two  er  three  times. 


Th*  farmer  that  sets  on  a  sulky  plow  under 
a  umbreller  an'  reads  th'  daily  papers  has  quit 
buyin'  patent  gates  an'  lightnin'  rods. 


You  kin  make  a  lastin'  friend  o'  most  any 
feller  by  consultin'  him  about  somethin'  im- 
portant. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


A  demagogue  is  right  at  home  in  a  crowd. 


HOI 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  lectures  at  Melodeon 
hall  t'night  on  "Th'  Foothills  o'  Society"  an* 
almost  enough  tickets  have  been  sold  already 
t?  have  th'  fodder  moved  out. 


Th'  girl  that  spells  her  name  Mabelle  will 
have  to  take  what  comes. 


You  hardly  ever  hear  a  woman  talkin'  about 
a  happy  marriage. 


Th'  only  way  you  kin  entertain  some  fellers 
is  t'  listen  t'  'em. 


It  seems  like  th'  more  poverty-stricken  a 
town  is  th'  more  shootin'  galleries  it  supports. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  more  a  feller  loves  his  wife  th'  more  it 
costs  him. 


Th'  first  thing  th'  neighbors  say  when  a  fel- 
ler's wife  goes  visitin'  is  "I  wonder  if  he  kin 
make  coffee." 


Prof.  Tansey  bought  a  beautiful  Morocca 
bound  universal  dictionary  yisterday  fer  a  dol- 
lar down  an'  th'  rest  some  time  when  he's 
taken  unexpectedly. 


Professor  Tansey  is  preparin'  a  bill  t'  be  in- 
troduced in  th'  next  legislature  requirin'  all 
males  o'  votin'  age  t*  say  nominated  instead 
of  anominated. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


You    wouldn'    know    some    towns    after    a 
smooth  stranger  gits  thro'  with  'em. 


Th'  best  thing  about  banquets  is  that  ther 
far  between. 


Ever'  time  ther's  a  celebration  ther  seems  t' 
be  a  committee  on  ever'thing  but  takin'  down 
th'  decorations. 


Ever'  once  in  a  while  some  feller  without  a 
single  bad  habit  gits  caught. 


What's  become  o'  th'  old  time  bills  we  used 
t'  pay  without  feelin'  'em? 


SHORT    FURROWS 


"Which  Loved  Him  Best,"  at  th'  Alhambry, 
is  one  o'  th'  best  an'  most  evenly  balanced 
reels  o'  th'  season,  'cept  th'  film  is  a  trifle  stagy 
in  th'  more  emotional  scenes. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  took  th'  train  at  Mor- 
gantown  fer  Bloomin'ton  t'day.  She's  gittin' 
t'  be  quite  a  traveler  an'  kin  now  ride  without 
buyin'  a  orange. 


When  Lillian  Russell  haint  moralizin'  she's 
boostin'  some  kind  o'  a  eyebrow  pencil. 


Th'  feller  that's  prominent  in  a  little  town 
had  better  stay  there. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


If  th'  feller  that  says,  "I  like  rhubarb  but  it 
don't  like  me,"  '11  jist  keep  still  about  it  no 
questions  will  be  asked. 


Th'  feller  that  marries  at  sixty  hardly  ever 
recovers. 


Tell  Binkley  has  come  out  flat-footed  fer  th' 
referendum  an'  refill. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  thing  that's  depopulatin'  th'  farms 
more'n  anything  else  is  that  you  can't  plow 
an'  be  a  dude. 


Pinky  Kerr's  condition  remains  unchanged. 
He  eats  hearty  an'  plays  pool  fairly  well,  but 
won't  work. 

* 

When  a  doctor  don't  know  what's  th'  mat- 
ter with  you  he  tells  you  t'  cut  out  coffee. 


Ther  haint  nothin'  that'll  wake  a  little  town 
up  quicker'n  pushin'  a  lawn  mower  o'er  a 
brick  sidewalk. 


A    contented    farmer    wuz    in    town    this 
mornin'. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Miss  Tawney  Apple's  niece,  who  wuz  mar- 
ried last  week,  is  havin'  her  teeth  all  fixed  up. 
Her  husband  says  that  th'  next  time  he  gits 
married  he'll  be  more  careful  like  a  horse 
buyer. 


One  way  t'  be  pop'lar  is  t'  let  folks  use  you. 


A  fool  allus  votes  a  straight  ticket. 


Ther's   many   a   coarse   feller   from   a   fine 
family. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  feller  behind  in  a  three-passenger  auto 
allus  looks  like  he  wuz  ridin'  agin  his  will. 


All  work  an'  no  play  makes  Jack  an  invalu- 
able employe. 


Very  few  authors  end  as  happily  as  their 
stories. 


Purty  crimpy  fer  white  shoes,  but  a  girl 
would  freeze  t'  death  if  it  wuz  all  th'  rage. 


Th'  first  thing  a  murderer  does  after  he  gits 
arrested  is  light  a  cigarette. 


1111 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Tell  Binkley  says  a  tourin'  car  is  like  a  baby. 
Ever'thing  happens  t'  it  th'  second  summer. 


It's  so  lonesome  in  Urbana,  Ohio,  that  owls 
often  fly  nine  hundred  miles  out  o'  ther  way  t' 
spend  th'  day  there. 


One  thing  is  certain,  a  wireless  operator 
won't  git  th'  wine  habit  on  twenty  dollars  a 
month. 


Some  folks  are  allus  worryin'  fer  fear  some 
rich  family  hain't  happy. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Miss  Mame  Moon  has  a  new  one  piece  hob- 
ble dress  an'  she  looks  like  an  upright  walrus. 


Ther  must  be  somethin'  awful  facinatin' 
'bout  agriculture  when  a  farmer  would  rather 
plow  than  vote. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  lover  with  sea 
bean  cuff  buttons  an'  a  red  rose  in  th'  corner 
o'  his  card? 


It  seems  like  opportunity  sets  on  th'  porch 
an'  waits  fer  some  folks. 


Nobuddy  ever  asks  fer  th'  kind  o'  biscuits 
his  wife  used  t'  make. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Nobuddy  loves  a  fat  man  but  it  don't  seem 
t'  worry  him. 


Of  all  th'  self  starters  th'  Colonel  takes  th' 
cake. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Mismatin'  an'  Other  Things 

'By  Miss  FaWn  Ltppincut 


My  dear  Miss  Lippincut: 

Like  hundreds  o'  other  girls  at  seventeen  I 

married  th'  only  man  I  thought  I  could  ever 
love  without  lookin' 
around  a  little.  I  have 
no  profession  er  other 
means  o'  livlihood  an' 
it  has  worked  a  hard- 
ship on  both  o'  us.  If 
I  wuz  single  agin  I  be- 
lieve I  could  do  better. 
Do  you  believe  in  sec- 
ond marriages? 

Despondent. 

What  possible  objec- 
tion kin  ther  be  t'  sec- 
ond marriages?  If  men 
fail  at  ever'thing  they 
Miss  Lippincut          undertake  an'  finally 
land  a  government  job, 
why  should  some  poor,  misguided  girl  who 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


has  wed  th'  only  man  she  could  ever  love  at 
seventeen  be  allowed  t'  starve?  Jist  as  soon 
as  a  girl  finds  out  she's  married  a  gold  brick 
she  should  set  about  t'  free  herself.  Even  if 
her  ole  home  on  Easy  street  has  been  torn 
away  an'  her  parents  scattered  an'  gone  she 
should  tear  out  jist  th'  same. 

I  often  see  young  wives  walkin'  along  th' 
streets  with  husbands  wearin'  full  beards  an' 
rubber  collars  an'  I  wonder  what  life  holds  fer 
'em.  After  two  er  three  seasons  o'  shiverin' 
around  a  base  burner,  runnin'  up  bills  fer 
malted  milk  an'  nipples  at  th'  corner  drug 
store,  tryin'  t'  raise  a  fern  er  trimmin'  th'  same 
ole  hat  over  an'  over,  Love  gits  purty  tired  an' 
packs  up  a  few  belongin's  an*  ducks  out.  After 
a  while  Sentiment  hands  in  her  resignation 
an'  th'  average  marriage  then  becomes  a  cold 
business  proposition. 

Ther's  lots  o'  difference  between  th'  ole  per- 
fume laden  June  nights  on  th'  verandy  hidden 
by  sweet  climbin'  honeysuckles  an'  tryin'  t* 
operate  a  double  oven,  six-cylinder  cook  stove 
with  a  baby  on  th'  floor  cryin'  fer  a  warm  bot- 


SHORT    FURROWS 


tie  an'  a  husband  walkin'  thro'  th'  kitchen  with 
his  watch  out.  I  allus  hate  t'  hear  some  ola 
faded  out  wife,  who  caught  on  before  her 
father  failed,  knockin'  second  marriages.  If 
she  kin  find  contentment  in  canary  birds,  as- 
paragus beds  an'  geraniums,  that's  her  busi- 
ness. 

In  half  civilized  Thibet  a  woman  kin  have  as 
many  husbands  as  she  pleases  t'  support.  In 
China  a  widow  must  stay  single  till  all  o'  her 
husband's  folks  die,  an'  an  American  Indian 
squaw  must  remain  a  widow  fer  seven  years, 
with  two  off  fer  good  behavior. 

A  girl  takes  th'  same  chances  when  she  mar- 
ries as  a  man  takes  when  he  buys  a  pair  o'  two- 
dollar  patent  leather  shoes,  an'  she  should 
have  th'  same  inalienable  right,  when  her  hus- 
band breaks  on  th'  sides,  t'  look  around  fer 
somethin'  better.  Suppose  your  own  daughter 
in  an  unguarded  moment  should  marry  a  roller 
skatin'  professor? 


Chicken  potpies  may  be  made  more  effective 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


by  th'  substitution  o'  chicken  in  th'  place  o' 
veal. 


August  is  th'  month  when  a  feller  don't 
know  whether  t'  git  a  extra  pair  o'  trousers 
fer  his  light  suit  er  keep  in  th'  background  till 
it's  cool  enough  t'  wear  a  overcoat. 

August  also  ushers  in  th'  tail  end  o'  th'  hot, 
strenuous  harvest  days  when  country  boys 
gather  in  little  clumps  in  front  o'  th'  village 
pool  room  an'  compare  ther  blisters,  curse  ag- 
riculture an'  talk  in  low,  mumblin'  tones, 
scarcely  audible,  about  castin'  ther  lots  in  th' 
crowded  city  where  they  kin  have  a  hundred 
nickel  the-aters  t'  select  from. 

In  August  th'  June  bride  tries  t'  hide  from 
her  husband  th'  first  unmistakable  signs  o'  re- 
gret. 

August  is  also  th'  month  t'  buy  your  coal 
if  you  expect  to  git  any  lumps.  In  August 
"we  catch  th'  first  faint  glances  o'  autumn 
peepin'  stealthily  thro'  openin's  where  th' 
leaves  have  already  withered  an'  fallen,  an' 


SHORT    FURROWS 


among  berries  where  summer  hung  out  her 
blossoms;  an'  sometimes  we  hear  her  rustlin' 
footsteps  among  th'  dry  pods,  which  have 
usurped  th'  place  o'  her  flowers^" 

But  on  th'  whole,  August  would  be  a  purty 
uneventful  month  if  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  underwear 
sales,  when  you  kin  git  a  three  dollar  union 
suit  fer  eighty-nine  cents — if  you're  built  like 
a  lizard  an'  can  git  a  fit. 


White  shoes  may  be  cleaned  by  removin'  th' 
spots. 


Durin*  th'  winter  season  scramblin'  '11  often 
destroy  th'  identity  o'  a  July  egg. 


Medicated  nest  eggs  '11  be  found  practically 
indispensable  in  summerin'  over  a  goat  muff. 


112] 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


In  a  country  home  where  spaghetti  is  all  th' 
rage,  whiskers  should  either  be  abandoned  en- 
tirely er  driven  back  near  th'  mouth.  Any 
kind  o'  scissors  '11  do. 


Ther  are  many  conflictin'  authorities  on  th' 
longevity  o'  th'  Aprile  egg.  Now  comes  a  let- 
ter from  an  actor  who  says  that  some  years 
ago  while  he  wuz  playin'  th'  part  o'  Shylock, 
in  "Th'  Merchant  o'  Venice,"  at  East  Liver- 
pool, Ohio,  a  egg  dropped  uninjured  int'  th' 
folds  o'  his  mantle  durin'  th'  early  lines  o'  th' 
first  act.  He  further  adds  that,  accordin'  t'  th' 
hieroglyphics  written  thereon,  th'  egg  wuz 
twelve  years  ole  an'  in  full  possession  o'  its 
faculties. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


No  matter  how  little  th'  pond  is  some  folks 
are  allus  jist  back  from  th'  lakes. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Th'  first  feller  t'  join  a  marchin'  club  is  allus 
bow  legged. 


Constable  Newt  Plum  arrested  a  keg  backed 
feller  fer  boot-leggin'  yisterday. 


Ther  haint  no  economy  in  a  ten-cent  mack- 
erel if  your  takin'  water  on  a  meter. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  lifelong  Republi- 
can that'd  vote  fer  a  yaller  dog  if  it  wuz  on  th' 
ticket? 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Tilford  Moots  is  so  stingy  he  economizes  fer 
a  week  after  goin'  t'  th'  the-ater  on  a  pass. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots's  nephew  has  a  civil 
service  job  —  that  is,  they  can't  fire  him  unless 
they  want  to. 


Ther's  lots  o'  delightful  sensations,  but  up- 
t'-date  there  hain't  nothin'  that  equals  findin' 
a  paper  dollar  in  a  ole  vest. 


Th'  new  party  will  make  th'  Chautauquas 
last  a  third  longer. 


Take  a  vacation!    If  you  can't  go  yourself 
send  your  wife  an'  rest  at  home. 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  made  th'  keynote 
speech  at  th'  Ladies'  Franchise  League  ban- 
quet last  night,  but  you  couldn't  hear  it  fer  th' 
celery. 


A  pustmaster  never  lets  it  interfere  with  his 
business. 


By  a  kind  provision  o'  nature  walkin*  is  th' 
best  natural  exercise  next  t'  crankin'  a  tourin' 


car. 


Th'  feller  with  a  irresistible  personality  allus 
wants  somethin*. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


It's  purty  hard  t'  compliment  a  new  baby 
without  gittin'  your  foot  in  it. 


Tell  Binkley  has  finally  sold  his  tourin'  car 
an'  announces  that  he'll  patch  rubber  boots  at 
reasonable  rates. 


It  seems  like  ever'buddy  that  amounts  t' 
somethin'  is  tryin'  t'  git  a  divorce. 


Anybuddy  that  lived  thro'  th'  reconstruc- 
tion period  followin'  th'  Jersey  waist  haint 
worryin'  o'er  th'  hobble  skirt. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  she'd  jist  as  leave 
git  a  newspaper  clippin'  as  a  type  written  let- 
ter. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  will  take  her  little  boy 
t'  see  Niagary  Falls  next  week,  as  he'll  soon 
be  too  ole  t'  ride  fer  nothin*. 


Speakin'  o'  th'  good  ole  times,  what's  be- 
come o'  th'  neighbor  that  used  t'  borrow  a  cup 
o'  sugar  ever'  time  she  brought  th'  irons  back? 


Ther's  usually  somethin'  th'  matter  with  th' 
feller  that's  lookin'  fer  work. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Folks  that  er  quick  t'  order  er  generally 
slow  t'  pay. 


You  think  o'  a  thousan'  things  while  you're 
loafin'  that  never  occurred  t'  you  while  you 
had  a  good  job. 


Tell  Binkley  says  there'll  never  be  any  real 
pleasure  in  motorih'  till  th'  farmer  watches  his 
team  instead  o'  th'  automobile. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  it's  clearly  th' 
groom's  place  t'  stand  any  expense  incurred 
in  shortenin'  th'  trousers  o'  th'  best  man's  bor- 
rowed dress  suit. 


113) 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


Th'  average  Socialist  is  a  feller  that  wants 
t'  dance  without  contributin'  anything  toward 
remuneratin'  the  violinist. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  bought  muskmellon  on 
approval  this  mornin'. 


Wat's  become  o'  th'  old  time  favorite  that 
made  fifteen  loaves  o'  real  bread  ever'  Satur- 
day jist  as  a  matter  o'  course. 


Tilford  Moots  talks  some  o'  sellin'  his  farm 
as  th'  exercise  is  too  violent. 


SHORT    FURROWS 

Ther's  talk  o'  buildin'  a  home  fer  ole  an'  in- 
dignant consumers. 


Ther  hain't  nothin'  happened  fer  a  long  time 
that's  made  me  feel  as  ole  as  Esther  Cleve- 
land's weddin'  engagement.  It  don't  seem 
like  a  week  since  I  wuz  carryin'  a  torch  fer 
her  father. 


Curt   Hedges  has  advertised  fer  a  barber 
that  kin  furnish  his  own  terbacker. 


It  might  help  th'  consumer  t'  take  a  more 
cheerful  view  o'  things  if  th'  butcher  would 
*  let  th'  meat  lay  on  th'  scales  long  enough  t' 
see  what  it  weighed. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


We  all  like  our  relatives  when  we're  little. 


Speck  Moots  is  at  home  from  th'  reforma- 
tory an'  says  that  two  terms  is  enough  fer  any 
man. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple,  who  sprained  her  ankle 
Tuesday,  his  decided  t'  remain  in  bed,  as  she 
don't  look  good  on  crutches. 


Even  th'  commonest  loafer  allus  whistles  th' 
latest  tunes. 


When  it  comes  t'  th'  high  cost  o*  livin'  rhu- 
barb kin  prove  a  alibi. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


When  some  folks  say  somethin'  nice  they 
act  like  they'd  spent  some  money. 


Rain  never  interferes  with  anything  that 
ought  t'  be  postponed. 


Why  is  it  th'  last  chop  th'  butcher  throws 
on  th'  scales  weighs  as  much  as  th'  other  three? 


Th'  less  demand  ther  is  fer  rhubarb  th'  more 
arrogant  an'  self-reliant  it  looks. 


Lafe  Bud  has  a  steady  job  except  he  gits  off 
ever'  little  bit  t'  make  a  cigarette. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Th'  feller  that's  allus  complainin'  o'  leadin' 
a  dog's  life  is  generally  a  setter. 


A  out-o'-town  feller  allus  looks  better  t'  th' 
girls. 


Life's  too  short  fer  continued  stories. 


It's  funny  how  fast  some  fellers  walk  an' 
don't  git  anywhere. 


Some  fellers  don't  git  gray  till  ther'  seventy 
an*  others  have  grown  daughters. 


Ever'  time  I  meet  a  feller  with  rubber  heels 
1  put  my  watch  in  my  pants  pocket. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Tipton  Bud  says  he  wuz  filmflammed  at  th' 
S-cent  the-ater  last  night. 


Some  fellers  ought  t'  use  fenders  when  they 
eat  soup. 


Th'  trouble  with  our  spasmodic  prosperity 
is  that  a  feller  talks  half  th'  time  'bout  curbin' 
expenses  an'  th'  other  half  'bout  buyin'  a  auto. 


You  wouldn't  know  some  fellers'  homes 
wuz  mortgaged  if  they'd  keep  ther  mufflers 
closed. 


Those  who  try  t'  escape  th'  least  blame 
seem  t'  git  th'  most. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


It  must  be  a  great  surprise  t'  some  o*  th' 
political  floppers  t'  read  how  prominent  they've 
allus  been. 


Mrs.  J.  Dwight  Moon,  whose  brilliant  wed- 
din*  in  June  wuz  all  th'  talk  an*  who  has  re- 
sumed her  ole  job  at  th'  Trade  Palace,  says 
ther's  lots  o'  harder  ways  t'  git  money  than 
standin'  up  in  a  store  all  day. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  it's  allus  fun  t' 
invite  a  feller  that's  fifty-five  years  ole  t'  some- 
thin'  jist  t'  see  who  he  brings. 


Th'  feller  that's  allus  talkin'  'bout  doin' 
somethin'  jist  as  soon  as  he  finds  the  time 
knows  where  all  th'  big  fish  hide. 


U41 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Th'  perade  is  all  ther  is  t'  some  folks. 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  married  daughter 
has  ever'thing  charged  so  it'll  be  delivered  on 
time. 


Some  fellers  git  credit  fer  bein*  conservative 
when  ther  only  stupid. 


A  honeymoon  generally  lasts  till  th'  first 
bakin'  powder  biscuits. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots's  niece,  who  married  Os 
Tanger  jist  t'  git  rid  o'  him,  is  askin'  fer  a 
divorce  on  th'  ground  o'  desertion. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Mrs.  Tilford   Moots  has  a  nephew  that's 
worked  fer  his  wife's  father  almost  a  month. 


All  th'  world  hates  a  knocker. 

* 

If  at  last  you  don't  succeed,  join  a  third 
party. 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  J.  Dwight  Moon,  whose  bril- 
liant wed  din'  has  been  th'  sole  topic  o'  th' 
early  summer  months,  have  returned.  Mrs. 
Moon  has  resumed  her  ole  position  behind  th' 
granite  ware  counter  at  the  Trade  Palace, 
while  her  husband  is  th'  guest  o'  his  folks. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 


Tipton  Bud  is  inspectin'  Floridy  land  this 
week  with  a  view  o'  buyin'  a  few  gallons. 


Mace  Turner  has  returned  from  th'  Colo- 
rado fruit  belt  an'  expects  t'  return  if  he  kin 
sell  his  mandolin. 


Th'  banquet  at  Melodeon  Hall  last  night 
wuz  a  big  success.  Even  th'  waiters  wuz  sat- 
isfied. 


Word  wuz  received  here  t'day  o'  th'  death 
of  Miss  Tabitha  Moon.  She  wuz  a  wonderful 
speaker,  a  great  organizer  an*  a  fair  cook. 


A  third  party  makes  strange  bedfellers. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  only  way  t'  find  some  fellers  out  is  t' 
call  on  'em. 


Ther  haint  nothin'  as  ugly  as  ugly  wall 
paper. 


Ther  kin  never  be  perfect  happiness  where 
th'  salt  shaker  is  allowed  t'  git  empty. 


Blowin'  up  th'  stumps  an*  stringin'  barbed 
wire  fences  is  drivin*  th'  country  boy  t'  town 
where  he  kin  git  a  seat. 


A  fat  woman  allus  seems  t'  resent  it  if  you 
hand  her  somethin'  she's  dropped. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Most  ever'  girl  has  two  fellers,  one  that  she 
likes,  an'  one  that  spends  his  money  freely. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he  allus  hates  t'  see  winter 
come  'cause  his  overcoat  hides  his  lodge  but- 
ton*. 


It  would  be  a  good  thing  fer  th'  public  if 
some  fellers  could  buy  a  speech  in  a  store  an' 
have  it  delivered. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Th'  Ole  County  Fau- 


lt seems  like  our  blamed  progressiveness  is 
jist  gradually  takin'  all  th'  flavor  out  o'  th'  ole 
time  honored  county  fair.  It  wuz  a  great  in- 
stitution in  th'  days  o'  big  pumpkins  an'  whole- 
some amusements — th'  days  when  Silver  Tail 
used  t*  clip  off  a  mile  in  five  minutes  an*  farm- 
ers wuz  contented  an'  oriental  dancers  an*  Fer- 
ris wheels  wuz  unheard  of.  Down  in  th'  hol- 
low, near  th'  main  pump,  Colonel  Perry's 
Great  Golden  Museum  and  Educational  Expo- 
sition had  its  tent.  Th'  Colonel  wore  a  wrong 
font  plug  hat  an'  long  sidewhiskers  an'  his  wife 
wore  knee  dresses,  Roman  sandals,  an'  took 
tickets  an'  lifted  a  cider  barrel  full  o'  water 
with  her  teeth  an'  did  th'  cookin'.  In  th'  tent 
wuz  a  se-gar  case  full  o'  snakes  an'  a  dried 
mermaid,  an*  Millie  Irene,  th'  armless  wonder, 
who  wrote  cards  an'  crocheted  lamp  mats  in 
colored  yarn  with  her  toes.  She  wrote  a  beau- 
tiful vertical  foot  an*  ever'  center  table  an' 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


card  receiver  in  th'  county  bore  evidence  o' 
her  toe  work. 

I  feel  awful  sorry  fer  th'  feller  that  haint  got 
no  ole  delightful  county  fair  days  t'  look  back 
on. 


Ever'buddy  we  used  t'  meet  wuz  savin' 
somethin'  t'  take  t'  th'  fair.  If  it  wuzn'  a  un- 
usually big  Shanghai  rooster  it  wuz  some 
crazy  lookin'  long  necked  gourd,  an'  if  it  wuzn' 
either  o'  'em  it  wuz  somethin'  else  crazy  er 


SHORT    FURROWS 


unusual — maybe  his  wife,  fer  th'  great  annual 
agricultural  exhibition  used  t'  attract  some 
awful  odd  lookin'  folks. 

Whether  it's  th'  tariff  er  what  it  is,  some- 
thin'  seems  t'  have  destroyed  th'  competition 
in  pumpkins,  fer  th'  ole  time  interest  has  sim- 
mered out  along  with  th'  linen  duster  an'  red 
lemonade.  Even  th'  cane  racks  have  changed. 
We  used  t'  ring  a  cane  with  a  nice  soft  lead 
handle  th'  first  pop,  but  now  you  can't  even 
walk  up  t'  a  cane  an'  ring  it,  'cause  th'  handle 
is  bigger'n  th'  ring.  Even  th'  chickens  look 
too  purty  t'  lay  an'  th'  art  hall  is  full  o'  labor- 
savin'  mops  an'  sofy  pillers.  Ther  hain't  even 
any  interest  left  in  th'  ole  quilt  that  wuz 
brought  across  th'  Allegheny  mountains  on  a 
pack  mule. 

Th'  country  girls  have  changed,  too.  They 
don't  giggle  an'  spoon  in  th'  buggies  anymore. 
They  dress  up-to-date  an'  couldn't  step  up  in 
a  buggy.  They  don't  blush  any  more  either 
an*  would  call  a  constable  if  you  offered  'em  a 
popcorn  ball  with  a  rubber  t'  it,  like  we  used 
to. 

[in 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


Occasionally  a  wife  o'  th'  ole  school  will 
hesitate  fer  th'  instant  in  front  o'  some  new 
fangled  churn,  but  she  seems  dazed  an'  walks 
away. 

Our  country  friends  have  changed  with  th' 
times.  They  are  agriculturalists  now  an'  don't 
go  t'  th'  fair  anymore  t*  lean  agin'  th'  sheep 
pens  an'  talk  shop,  er  huddle  in  th'  art  hall 
with  ther  eyes  full  o'  sawdust.  It  takes  some- 
thin'  greater  than  a  armless  card  writer  er  a 
five-legged  steer  t'  thrill  'em.  They've  got 
telephones,  bathtubs,  'lectric  lights,  interurban 
cars,  steam  heat,  automobiles  an'  daily  papers. 
A  dollar  premium  on  a  big  pumpkin  er  th' 
finest  quince  marmalade  no  longer  stimulates 
'em  t'  pitch  in  an'  make  th'  fair  a  big  success. 
They  like  t'  loaf  around  th'  Turkish  village  er 
watch  a  aviator  fall  jist  as  well  as  anybuddy. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Cameo  Bud,  who  has  jist  returned  from  a 
explorin'  expedition,  reports  seein'  a  feller 
wearin'  a  Prince  Albert  coat  an'  a  white  lawn 
tie  in  one  o'  th'  sparsely  settled  river  coun- 
ties. He  says  that  one  member  o'  th'  party 
got  within  fifty  feet  o'  th'  feller. 


Bein'  known  as  a  grouch  is.  th'  next  best 
thing  t*  goin'  armed. 


While  Tipton  Bud  wuz  tryin'  t'  account  fer 
a  surplus  dollar  yisterday  his  wife  ran  out  o' 
flour. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  she's  got  enough 
things  t*  worry  her  without  wearin'  white 
shoes. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 


Nobuddy  ever  wants  t'  take  advice  after 
they  ask  fer  it. 


You  scarcely  ever  hear  a  feller  say  he's 
strapped  nowadays.  He  jist  has  things 
charged. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he  hardly  ever  buys  a  new 
suit  'cause  his  wife  '11  want  one. 


One  o*  th'  most  charmin'  social  affairs  o'  th' 
midsummer  wuz  th'  goin'  away  party  given 
last  evenin'  fer  Mrs.  Tub  Pash,  who  leaves  her 
husband  t'day. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


After  all,  ther's  somethin'  kind  o'  nice  about 
bein'  poor  an'  lookin'  forward  t'  a  change  o' 
films. 


If  money  didn't  talk  you'd  never  know  some 
folks  wuz  around. 


One  half  o'  th'  people  in  a  dry  town  don't 
know  how  th'  other  half  lives. 

7k 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots'  brother  died  t'day  in 
his  fifty-first  year.  He  wuz  a  kind  husband 
an'  a  truthful  paperhanger. 

7k 

It's  purty  hard  t'  tell  a  two  dollar  necktie. 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


Speakin'  o'  th'  honest  farmer,  did  you  ever 
notice  th'  load  he  takes  in  on  a  family  ticket? 


A  cantaloupe  hain't  even  a  good  hundred  t' 
one  shot. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  threw  a  surprise  breakfast 
this  mornin'  fer  her  husband. 


You  don't  have  t'  put  up  a  deposit  at  th' 
devil's  employment  agency. 


Th'  feller  that  loafs  all  week  is  allus'  pound- 
in'  around  home  on  Sunday. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  wuz  severely  burned 
by  carbolic  acid  t'day  while  tryin'  t'  remove 
th'  gloss  from  her  nose  with  what  she  sup- 
posed wuz  a  varnish  killer. 


Ther's  too  many  folks  buyin'  tires  on  inner 
tube  salaries. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  it  seems  like 
some  girls  git  married  jist  t'  keep  from  lookin* 
neat  an'  tidy. 


Tipton  Bud  says  nothin'  makes  him  as  mad 
as  t'  have  his  wife  call  th'  constable  while  he's 
chokin'  her. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  sufferin'  from  an 
attack  o'  pianner  feet. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Ther's  allus  plenty  o'  harmony  in  a  conven- 
tion where  nobuddy's  got  a  chance. 


Lots  o'  fellers  git  credit  fer  havin'  th' 
strength  t'  say  no  that  haint  got  nerve  enough 
t'  say  yes. 


Pinky  Kerr,  who  bought  a  se-gar  at  th' 
state  fair,  is  gradually  recoverin'. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  girl  that 
kept  company  with  one  feller? 


SHORT    FURROWS 

If  some   folks   don't   know  somethin'   bad 
about  somebuddy  they  don't  say  nothin'. 


Th'  boy  that  whistles  on  th'  road  t'  school 
may  never  be  president  but  it's  a  cinch  he 
won't  have  t'  carry  a  hod. 


Next  t'  a  croquet  ball  ther  haint  nothin' 
that  tickles  th'  palate  like  a  winter  pear. 


116] 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


One  advantage  o'  a  tourin'  car  is  that  you 
can  fill  it  up  with  friends  an'  git  away  from  th' 
knockers. 


A  bully  allus  calls  th'  wrong  feller  a  liar  be- 
fore he  dies. 


Money  talks  an'  that's  th'  reason  you  never 
know  some  fellers  are  around. 


Ther'd  be  very  few  relatives  on  speakin' 
terms  if  it  wuzn'  fer  state  fairs. 


Who'd  move  th'  Kansas  wheat  crop  if  it 
wuzn'  fer  our  colleges? 


SHORT    FURROWS 

It  seems  like  th'  more  triflin'  a  feller  is  th' 
bigger  bunch  o'  keys  he  carries. 


Lots  o'  fellers  are  takin'  th'  stump  this  fall 
that  ought  t'  take  a  holler  log. 


It  may  take  all  kinds  o'  folks  t'  make  a 
world  but  I'll  bet  it  would  run  along  all  right 
if  you'd  take  th'  pinochle  deck  away  from  th' 
engine  house. 


Cigarettes  seem  t'  hurt  some  folks  worse 
than  if  they  smoked  'em. 


Th'  first  baby  gits  all  th'  rides. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


You  kin  allus  tell  a  self  made  man  if  you'll 
keep  your  ears  open. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  she'd  hate  t'  live 
in  a  city  where  even  your  next  door  neighbor 
don't  care  if  you've  got  a  new  hat. 


Miss  Fern  Pash  has  returned  from  a  month's 
visit  highly  pleased  with  her  relatives. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  an'  children  have  returned 
from  Seymour  where  they  took  in  ther  rel- 
atives an'  visited  th*  opery. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he  wishes  somebuddy  would 
invent  a  pair  o'  shoes  that  wouldn'  hurt  fair 
week. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Tipton  Bud  says  he's  goin'  t'  paint  his  sum- 
mer kitchen  some  day  when  he  haint  loafin'. 


You  might  jist  as  well  try  t'  associate  senti- 
ment with  an  onion  as  t'  help  things  by  wor- 
ryin*. 


Mr.  Mooty  Spray  has  returned  from  a  week's 
visit  t'  Cincinnati.  He  says  his  only  regret  is 
that  he  didn'  have  relatives  enough  t'  stay 
longer. 

* 

Th*  woman  who  calls  her  baby  a  kid  allus 
chews  gum  at  th'  the-ater. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


It  must  take  lots  o'  nerve  fer  some  fellers 
t'  quit  when  th'  whistle  blows. 


A  romantic  girl  generally  marries  a  feller 
that  never  shaves  his  neck  agin  after  th'  min- 
ister has  made  'em  one. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  has  a  new  mermaid 
skirt. 


Why  don't  somebuddy  tell  us  how  V  build 
a  $3,000  house  fer  $4,000? 


Ther's  allus  a  lot  o*  fellers  that  can't  make 
up  ther  minds  how  they'll  vote  till  they  sec 
a  couple  o'  torchlight  processions  an'  hear  a 
few  glee  clubs. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  groom  that 
used  t'  look  ever'  inch  a  man? 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Ther's  lots  o'  difference  between  a  good  pro- 
vider an'  a  good  husband. 


Too  many  fellers  are  dyin*  an'  leavin'  a  wife 
an'  eight  children  an'  no  money. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Ole  Schoolmates 


When  I  went  t'  school  Albert  Moore  wuz 
th'  best  reader.  He  jist  seemed  t'  know  ever'- 
thing  that  McGuffy  ever  wrote  an'  he  could 
quote  him  by  th'  yard.  He  wuz  th'  leadin' 
man  in  all  th'  Friday  afternoon  dialogues  an' 
ever'buddy  in  town  said,  "That  boy'll  be  a 
actor  some  day."  But  he  graduated  an'  caught 
th'  first  delivery  wagon  that  come  along  an' 
he's  still  one  o'  th'  invaluable  employes  o'  th' 
Star  Laundry. 

Mamie  Turner  wuz  one  o'  'em  girls  that 
allus  walked  home  with  th'  teacher  an'  combed 
her  hair  back  till  she  looked  like  a  chinaman  an* 
her  forehead  wuz  full  o'  blue  veins.  She  tat- 
tled ever'thing,  too,  an'  had  a  big  pale  sponge 
with  a  string  t'  it  an'  her  books  wuz  covered 
with  calico.  She  wuz  too  nice  t'  laugh  an* 
carried  whips  t'  th'  teacher  under  her  apron 
an'  wuz  never  tardy.  She's  an'  ole  maid  now 
an'  keeps  books  fer  a  glue  factory  an'  gits 
about  as  much  out  o'  life  as  a  hearse. 

[17] 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


Charley  McCrea  wuz  a  purty  smart  scholar 
an'  made  th'  dandiest  capital  letters.  Th' 
teacher  allus  got  him  t'  write  th'  mottoes  on 
th'  blackboard,  "Be  Good  an'  You'll  be  Hap- 
py," an'  "Dare  t'  do  Right."  He  wuz  jist  cut 
out  fer  a  hut-tel  clerk  an'  that's  what  he's 
loafin'  at  ever  since  he  graduated. 

But  th'  boy  that  fooled  'em  all  wuz  Art 
Timmens.  He  wuz  th'  dullest  boy  in  school. 
Nothin'  wuz  ever  in  his  book  like  it  wuz  in 
th'  other  books.  Th'  only  time  I  ever  seen 
him  brighten  up  wuz  one  day  when  th'  teacher 
asked  him  what  wuz  th'  capital  o'  Ohio  an' 
he  said,  "Louisville,  Kentucky."  Art  didn' 
graduate  an'  instead  o'  goin'  t'  th'  dogs  he 
made  other  arrangements  an'  now  is  a  pros- 
perous pork  packer  an'  don't  have  t'  know 
anything. 

Gourdon  Brown  wuz  th'  smartest  boy  in 
school.  He  wuz  a  frail,  little  codger  with  a 
big  square  head  an'  younger  than  anybuddy  in 
his  class.  His  mother  learned  him  at  home 
but  she  cut  his  hair  too  high  over  th'  ears. 
He  wore  spectacles  an'  a  cape  with  a  velvet 


SHORT    FURROWS 


collar  an'  jist  seemed  t'  know  ever'thing.  I 
don't  know  why  he  wasted  his  time  in  school 
unless  it  wuz  because  he  wuz  too  little  t'  plow. 
He'd  cry  if  anybuddy  else  in  th'  class  almost 
knew  th'  answer  t'  somethin'.  He  graduated 
an'  fiddled  around  home  a  while  an'  disap- 
peared. I  seen  him  th'  other  day  fer  th'  first 
time  in  thirty  years.  He's  a  big  tall  feller 
with  sideburns  an'  had  on  a  rubber  collar  an' 
a  pair  o'  tan  shoes  dyed  black  fer  November. 
He  said  he  wuzn'  doin'  anything  "these  days." 
I  wuz  nearly  crazy  t'  ask  him  what  a  archi- 
pelago wuz  jist  t'  see  if  he'd  remember. 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


It  must  be  tough  on  some  folks  when  th' 
children  are  too  big  t'  ride  fer  nothin'  an'  too 
little  t'  leave  at  home. 


Next  t'  borrowin'  a  dollar  from  somebuddy 
you  befriended  in  your  palmy  days  th'  hardest 
thing  is  t'  look  interested  when  you're  bored. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  mother 
that  never  went  t'  bed  till  all  th'  children 
got  in?  * 


Ever  notice  how  a  fat  woman  runs  fer  th' 
scales  when  th'  grocer  goes  in  th'  back  room 
fer  gasoline? 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Nothin'  is  ever  too  expensive  fer  folks  that 
have  things  charged. 


Th'  mother  o'  twins  haint  worryin'  about  th' 
fall  styles. 


It's  better  not  t'  give  if  you're  goin'  t'  use 
a  string. 


It  seems  like  some  folks  never  begin  t'  trav- 
el till  they  git  a  bunch  o'  children. 


I've  been  t'  lots  o'  county  fairs  but  I've 
never  seen  anybuddy  as  ugly  as  Mrs.  Tilford 
Moots. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Beets  remain  within  the  reach  o'  all  with 
perfect  impunity. 


Tell  Binkley's  niece  at  Kendallville  married 
an  out  o'  town  feller  Saturday  t'  git  away 
from  Kendallville. 


Somehow  a  feller  that  turns  over  a  new  leaf 
never  wants  t'  pay  any  ole  bills. 


Votes  for  Women 


"Th*  only  real  objection  I  kin  see  t'  women 
votin'  is  that  our  elections  are  allus  held  on 
Tuesday — ironin'  day.  Otherwise  I  would  be 
h  e  a  r  t  i  1  y  fer  it,"  said 
Tell  B  i  n  k  1  e  y,  our 
leadin'  tornado  insur- 
ance writer.  Mr.  Bink- 
ley  is  predisposed  t' 
bright  colors  an*  has  a 
tenor's  mustache. 

Miss  Mame  Moon's 
fifth  arrest  in  two  days 
fer  bein'  too  militant 
has  started  a  discussion 
on  woman's  suffrage. 
Miss  Moon  is  our  most 
fearless  suffragist  an' 

Mame  Moon 

leadin'  liveryman.    She 

has  strong  square  features,  a  fair  sized  knot  o* 
red  hair  under  moderate  control  an*  wears  a 
four-in-hand  tie  an*  side  pockets.  She  would 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


command  attention  even  on  circus  day  an'  has 
long  galled  under  taxation  without  representa- 
tion. Turnin'  t'  Constable  Plum  in  th'  squire's 
office  she  said:  "I've  got  jist  about  as  much 
use  fer  you  an'  th'  law  as  I  have  fer  a  croquet 
set,  an'  if  I  ever  pay  any  taxes  without  first 
knockin'  your  block  off  I'll  be  in  a  trance." 

Later  in  th'  day  Miss  Moon  paid  her  respects 
t'  men  in  general  by  declarin'  'em  jist  a  lot  o' 
stomachs  an'  watchchains  whose  whole  idea  o' 
citizenship  wuz  throwin'  a  round  steak  on  th' 
table  three  er  four  times  a  week.  She  said 
that  th'  growin'  tendency  'mongst  our  girls  t' 
seek  some  lighter  employment  other  than  mar- 
riage made  her  buoyant  with  hope  an'  courage. 

All  our  most  prominent  folks,  regardless  o' 
party  er  social  standin',  are  expressin'  'em- 
selves  freely  on  th'  suffrage  question.  Rev. 
Wiley  Tanger  said  he  thought  th'  ole  motto, 
"You  run  th'  home  an'  I'll  git  out  an'  protect 
it,"  wuz  all  right  in  th'  hostile  injun  days. 
"But  t'day,"  said  he,  "we  have  too  many 
triflin'  pickets  an'  no  injuns." 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots,  who  has  contributed 


SHORT    FURROWS 


more  sons  t'  th'  Reg'lar  Army  than  any  woman 
in  th'  world,  an'  who  has  allus  been  closely 
affiliated  with  a  champion  checker  player, 
stopped  plowin'  long  enough  t'  say,  that,  while 
she  didn't  take  no  newspapers  an'  only  knowed 
what  she  heerd,  she'd  allus  felt  like  ther  wuz 


somethin'  unequal.  She  said  she'd  never  found 
time  t'  look  int'  things  an'  that  her  husband 
wuz  too  busy  defendin'  his  checker  title  t'  be 
o'  much  help.  However,  she  says  if  women 
ever  git  t'  votin'  she'll  vote  with  'em — that  is 
if  it's  too  wet  t'  plow  an'  she  kin  git  off. 
Miss  Tawny  Apple,  ticket  seller  at  th'  Al- 

[18] 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


hambry  nickel  the-ater  an'  accomplished  horse- 
woman, said  she  thought  votin'  would  be  jist 
dandy. 

Miss  Germ  Williams,  editress  o'  Th'  Hen 
an'  Home,  said  she'd  been  too  busy  t'  pay 
much  attention  t'  th'  suffrage  business,  'cept 
t'  scim  o'er  a  few  arrests  er  glance  at  th'  pic- 
tures o'  some  o'  th'  leaders.  She  said  she 
didn'  calculate  that  th'  pictures  would  hurry 
th'  day  when  th'  cause  would  triumph.  She 
said,  though,  that  th'  pictures  wuz  probably 
given  t'  th'  papers  t'  sort  o'  hold  th'  movement 
back,  as  most  leaders  hardly  ever  want  ther 
cause  t'  succeed,  fer  then  they'd  be  out  o'  a 
job.  Then  she  said:  "But  in  all  seriousness, 
when  we  consider  that  ever'  egg  that  wends 
it's  way  t'  th'  American  breakfast  table,  wheth- 
er direct  from  th'  hen  er  on  parole  from  some 
storage  house,  is  a  tribute  t'  th'  industry  o' 
some  farmer's  tired,  round-shouldered  wife,  it 
is  only  fair  that  she  should  have  some  voice  in 
other  affairs  equally  as  vital  t'  th'  happiness  o' 
th'  home."  Miss  Williams  is  gotten  up  purty 
much  along  th'  lines  o'  th'  average  woman 


SHORT    FURROWS 


that  is  makin'  her  way  along  th'  intellectual 
route,  'cept  that  her  mussy  appearance  is  due  t' 
th'  eccentricities  o'  genius  rather  than  a  effort 
t'  appear  great.  After  a  while  you  git  so  you 
kin  look  right  at  her. 

Tipton  Bud,  whose  civic  pride  has  made  him 
unpopular  with  our  less  progressive  citizens, 
says  that  as  long  as  th'  average  town  is  run 
by  a  lot  o'  ole  grannies  we  might  jist  as  well 
let  th'  women  vote. 

Uncle  Ez  Pash,  who  has  jist  resigned  from 
th'  "I  Remember  th'  Winter  Of"  club  says  he 
has  lived  t'  see  th'  gun  barrel  skirt  an'  is  not 
lookin'  fer  any  new  sensations. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut,  recitationist,  author- 
ess an'  inventor  o'  th'  "Little  Corporal"  sink 
strainer,  says  th'  whole  opposition  t'  th'  fran- 
chise fer  women  simmered  down  is,  "Can 
woman,  after  faithfully  fulfillin'  ever'  duty 
that  naturally  befalls  her  an'  th'  many  others 
that  have  been  saddled  on  her,  find  th'  time  t' 
vote?"  She  says  it's  jist  a  question  o'  woman 
gittin'  out  her  work,  an'  that  ther's  a  deep- 
rooted  fear  that  she  might  knock  off  early  an' 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


vote  anyhow.  If  women  ever  do  git  t'  votin', 
she  says,  th'  courthouse  fence  will  be  as  bare 
hs  July  as  it  is  in  January,  an'  women  won't 
have  t'  wear  tub  dresses  ever'  time  they  pass 
th'  pustomce  corner. 

Hon.  Ex-editur  Cale  Fluhart,  whose  virile 
pen  an'  vigorous  style  are  too  well  known  t' 
need  introduction  here,  says  that  woman's  suf- 
frage is  unthinkable  an'  that  his  condemnation 
exhausts  th'  vocabulary.  He  says  if  we'll  jist 
take  away  all  newspaper  publicity  th'  suffrage 
cause'll  fall  as  flat  as  a  Western  man's  candi- 
dacy fer  th'  presidency.  Here's  what  he  says : 

"Jist  picture  an  American  'lection  day  with 
women  entrusted  with  th'  franchise.  Can  you 
not  see  throngs  o'  red  nosed  women  shiverin' 
around  th'  votin'  places  while  bread  is  burnin' 
in  a  thousand  ovens?  Think  o'  th'  unaired 
beds,  stacks  o'  breakfast  dishes  an'  hundreds 
o'  innocent  tots  with  ther  little  noses  pressed 
agin  th'  window  panes  cryin'  fer  food  in  homes 
once  filled  with  warmth  an*  love;  think  o' 
some  mollycoddle  runnin'  fer  mayor  an'  boast- 
in'  around  that  your  wife  is  solid  fer  him; 


SHORT    FURROWS 


think  o'  tryin'  t'  unfasten  th'  traces  o'  your 
little  children  an'  gittin'  'em  ready  fer  bed 
while  your  wife  is  waitin'  fer  th'  returns  from 
some  outlyin'  county  t'  be  brought  in  on  horse- 
back, er  carryin'  a  torch ;  think  o'  tryin' t'  hold 
your  head  up  among  your  peers  while  your 
wife  electioneers  fer  some  feller  that  has  owed 
you  nine  dollars  fer  years.  How'd  you  like  t' 
have  a  peroxide  chief  o'  police  that  polishes 
her  nails  with  a  orange  wood  stick  an'  tries  t' 
combat  th'  crime  wave  an'  keep  up  her  bridge 
scores?  Woman's  suffrage  is  jist  around  th' 
corner.  T'  arms,  men!" 

Mr.  Fluhart  is  in  his  eighty-ninth  year  an' 
has  jist  completed  his  sixth  article  on  th' 
power  o'  radium. 

Prof.  Alex  Tansey,  our  leadin'  educator  an' 
churn  agent,  is  aroused  an'  he  laid  aside  a  well- 
thumbed  copy  o'  Epictetus  long  enough  t'  say 
that  in  some  states  where  women  have  been 
votin'  ther's  been  both  wet  an'  dry  victories. 
Regardin'  th'  suggestion,  "that  woman  should 
first  prove  that  her  full  possession  o'  suffrage 
will  be  used  fer  th'  highest  good  o'  state  an' 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


nation,"  he  says  that  such  proof  is  never  re- 
quired o'  th'  feller  that  hangs  around  th'  polls 
till  th'  last  dollar  has  been  slipped  int'  th' 
hand  o'  th'  independent  voter.  Prof.  Tansey 
said  he  regretted,  however,  that  our  women 
didn'  give  more  study  t'  th'  pearl  button  sched- 
ule an'  th'  annual  report  o'  th'  Alaskan  gold 
output  an'  less  attention  t'  ther  waist  lines. 
Still,  he  said,  from  what  infermation  he'd  been 
able  t'  gather  from  sections  where  th'  women 
folks  had  voted  he  felt  justified  in  sayin'  that 
they  had  voted  'bout  as  intelligently,  an'  fer 
earlier,  than  th'  average  hunyak,  that  don't 
even  know  who  Tony  Pastor  wuz,  much  less 
Washin'ton  an'  Lincoln. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


You  can't  git  along  with  th'  best  woman 
that  ever  lived  after  th'  bureau  drawers  swell. 


Penniless  old  age  is  purty  tough,  'specially 
if  you  have  t'  use  a  umbreller  stick  fer  a  cane. 


Tryin'  t'  act  surprised  is  th'  hardest  thing. 


I  don't  know  what's  in  cigarettes,  but  a  fel- 
ler kin  set  clean  thro'  a  play  without  smokin' 
a  pipe. 


Th'  more  a  thing  is  touted  th'  worse  it  is. 


ABE    MA  RTIN'S 


Lafe  Bud  got  one  o'  them  pipes  that  looks 
like  a  yeller  clarinet. 


'Bout  th'  only  thing  you  don't  git  skinned 
on  these  days  is  a  ounce  o'  prevention. 


It's  purty  hard  t'  be  efficient  without  bein' 
obnoxious. 


Th'  bigger  th'  letter  head  th'  more  careful 
you  want  t'  be  about  investin*. 


Th'  feller  that's  mean  around  home  is  allus 
th'  life  an'  sunshine  o'  some  lodge. 


SHORT    FURROWS 

I  can't  figure  out  how  chicken  pie  got  its 
name. 

r* 

Speakin'  o'  th'  stage,  Tell  Binkley  says  he 
likes  th'  sad  plays  th'  best  —  th'  kind  where 
they  open  a  door  an'  kick  a  pale  girl  out  in  th' 
snow  an'  then  all  set  down  t'  a  real  turkey 
dinner  with  rubber  celery. 


Mace  Bud,  who  graduated  from  high  school 
with  honors  last  spring,  is  takin'  a  post  gradu- 
ate course  in  spellin'. 


We're  all  self  made  men,  but  not  very  many 
o'  us  have  staid  on  th'  job. 


UO] 


ABE     MART  IN'S 


Ther  wuz  a  vaudeville  show  at  Melodeon 
hall,  last  night,  an'  business  wuz  so  bad  th' 
magician  used  turnips  instead  o'  eggs. 


Love's  labor  is  th'  poorest  paid  o'  all. 


Th'  feller  what  says  quails  fer  quail  seems 
t'  go  out  o'  his  way  t'  git  on  th'  subject. 


Th'  fastest  time  in  th'  world  is  made  over 
th'  route  from  prominence  t'  obscurity. 


Ever'thing  costs  so  blamed  much  these  days 
that  a  customer  is  entitled  t'  all  th'  courtesy  a 
clerk  kin  scrape  up. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


A  Christmas  Reminiscence 


Mat  Thompson's  general  store  had  been  sort 
o'  a  continuous  Chatalky  er  clearin'  house  fer 
political  debaters,  students  o'  international  af- 
fairs an'  general  all  'round  gossips  fer  many 
years,  er  t'  be  more  exact,  "since  Hayes  wuz 
defeated,"  as  Mat  himself  would  put  it.  Mat 
allus  associated  ever'  event  with  some  politi- 
cal epoch.  His  store  wuz  an  emporium  where 
you  could  git  most  anything  from  beeswax  t' 
wind  mills.  Th'  rusty  brackets,  er  lamp  hold-, 
ers,  that  hung  from  th'  ceilin'  wuz  festooned 
with  fly  specked  dried  apples  that  wuz  strung 
on  a  cord  after  th'  fashion  o'  beads.  Th'  gents' 
furnishin's,  cheviot  shirts,  paper  collars  an' 
overalls,  wuz  kept  in  barrels  an'  th'  showcases 
wuz  full  o'  onions  an'  axle  grease.  Mat  only 
sold  one  brand  o'  se-gars,  th'  "Cock  Robin." 
It  wuz  a  black,  hard,  flinty,  arrow  shaped, 
prison  made  twofer  that  pulled  on  th'  bit  an' 
went  out  on  th'  least  sign  o'  inattention  er 
neglect.  Mat  used  t'  say  that  he  jist  kept  'em 


ABE     MARTI  N'S 


'cause  you  couldn'  talk  so  much  if  you  smoked 
'em. 

On  this  particular  Christmus  Eve  a  few  old 
timers  wuz  huddled  'bout  th'  great  wood  stove 
that  roared  an'  cracked,  while  th'  fumes  o' 
scorchin'  leather  an'  steamin'  clothes  met  in 
friendly  combat  among  th'  rafters  with  volume 
upon  volume  from  th'  famous  twofers,  whose 
lighted  ends  reminded  you  o'  will  o'  th'  wisps 
as  they  shifted  about  in  th'  dark. 

"It's  jist  thirty  year  ago  t'night  since  Sam 
Pash  drove  his  boy  Bob  away,"  said  Uncle 
Niles  Turner. 

"An'  it  wuz  jist  sich  a  night,  too,"  he  con- 
tinued, as  he  licked  a  puncture  in  his  se-gar. 
"It  had  been  a  snowin'  fer  nigh  on  a  week,  an' 
I  remember  that  what  wuz  then  th'  Valley 
House  wuz  full  o'  travelers  waitin'  till  a  team 
could  break  thro'  t'  th'  station  at  Morgan.  I 
wuz  a  settin'  purty  much  as  I  am  now  in 
this  very  store  when  th'  door  opened  an' 
young  Bob  Pash  come  in  cold  an'  shiverin'  an' 
warmed  up  a  bit.  Tears  come  t'  his  eyes  an' 
he  choked  up  when  Mat  there  asked  after  his 


SHORT    FURROWS 


mother.  Carrie  had  been  poorly  all  that  win- 
ter. What  a  fine  lookin'  boy  Bob  Pash  wuz — 
smart  as  a  whip,  too,  but  delicate  an'  not  like 
other  boys.  He  soon  went  out,  an'  after  some 
little  time  Carrie  come  t'  th'  store.  She  wuz 
carryin'  a  little  bundle  all  tied  up,  but  she  wuz 
too  late.  That  wuz  th'  last  time  anybuddy 
'bout  this  place  ever  sot  eyes  on  Bob  Pash. 
His  father  had  abused  him  ever  since  he  could 
walk  an'  his  mother  had  loved  him  from  th' 
day  he  wuz  born.  Sometimes  I  git  t'  thinkin' 
bout  th'  Pash  family  an'  how  they  all  went, 
an'  it  jist  seems  like  th'  Almighty  outdone 
Himself  when  he  once  got  after  it  —  He  jist 
seemed  t'  have  it  in  fer  that  family.  Carrie 
Moon  wuz  jist  as  good  as  she  wuz  purty.  She 
could  o'  married  Joe  Armstrong  if  she'd  o' 
v/anted  t',  er  any  o'  th'  other  boys,  but  Sam 
Pash's  dancin'  an'  clothes  an'  perfumery 
turned  her  poor  head.  Sam  Pash  wuz  jist  a 
slick  patent  gate  agent  when  he  come  t'  this 
place  an'  slung  money  around.  He  wuz  a 
flyer  fer  them  days  an'  any  o'  th'  girls  would 
o'  had  him,  but  he  liked  Carrie's  farm  th'  best." 


ABE     MA  RTIN'S 


"I  knowed  him  then,"  said  Mat  Thompson. 
"An'  as  you  say,  he  wuz  a  powerful  lady  killer. 
He  wore  a  little  soft  yaller  hat  turned  up  in 
front  an'  behind  an'  faced  with  black  silk  un- 
derneath an'  a  picture  o'  'Rose  Hill'  on  th' 
linin'.  His  clothes  wuz  made  o'  wine  colored 
shiny  diagonal,  trimmed  with  wide  rope  braid, 
with  a  long  vest  with  buckles  instead  o'  but- 
tons an'  bell  bottomed  pantaloons.  His  box- 
toe  alligator  boots  wuz  th'  first  an'  last  that 
wuz  ever  seen  here  an'  caused  quite  a  stir.  I 
haint  seen  a  cravat  pin  like  his'n  since,  either. 
It  wuz  a  big  banjo  shaped  cluster  pin  with  a 
chain  t'  it.  Why,  what  chance  did  any  o'  th' 
boys  have  agin'  him?" 

"Well,  Mat,"  said  Uncle  Niles,  "it  wuz 
mostly  his  dancin'  that  caught  Carrie.  They 
hadn'  been  married  scarce  a  year  till  her  folks 
died  an'  she  had  th'  farm.  Sam  Pash  jist 
seemed  t'  lose  ever'  good  trait  he  ever  had 
when  that  farm  went  over  an'  he  pitched  in  t' 
run  it.  He  put  signs  all  over  th'  place.  Ever' 
where  you  looked  wuz  'No  Huntin,'  'No  Tres- 
passin',  'Private  Property,'  'Keep  Off,'  an' 


SHORT    FURROWS 


'Five  Dollars  Fine.'  Ever'  tree  on  th'  place 
had  somethin'  mean  nailed  on  it,  so  his  neigh- 
bors jist  got  t'  leavin'  him  alone.  Him  an' 
Carrie  had  three  children.  Ike  wuz  th'  oldest, 
an'  then  come  Amandy  next,  an'  then  Bob. 
Bob's  mother  wuz  never  strong  agin  after  he 
come  an'  that  seemed  t'  hurt  Sam  most  o'  all. 
She  couldn'  git  out  th'  work  she  used  t'. 

"Ike  an'  Amandy  wuz  sent  off  t'  school  after 
they  got  what  learnin'  they  could  over  on  th' 
ridge.  It  don't  seem  like  more'n  yisterday 
since  Ike  come  blusterin'  home  on  his  first  va- 
cation an'  burned  th'  barn  up  with  a  cigarette. 
His  father  jist  said  he  reckoned  it  wuz  part  o' 
th'  'curriculum.' 

"Amandy  staid  away  t'  school  long  enough 
t'  learn  t'  write  a  bold  vertical  hand  an'  t'  be 
ashamed  o'  her  folks,  an'  then  they  sent  fer 
her  father  t'  come  an'  git  her.  She  never 
helped  her  mother  an'  she  wuz  th'  only  girl  in 
town  that  had  her  own  letter  box  at  th'  pust- 
office.  Well,  she  walked  up  an'  down  on  th' 
poolroom  side  o'  Main  street  till  she  got  talked 
about  an*  one  day  she  went  away.  Carrie 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


never  seemed  t'  worry  over  it  —  anyhow  she 
never  complained  er  let  on  like  she  cared.  She 
jist  said  Amandy  wuz  workin'  in  th'  city.  She 
didn't  seem  t'  know  what  city  er  what  she  wuz 
workin'  at.  She  jist  supposed  that  anybuddy 
in  any  city  would  have  t'  work  if  they  stayed 
there. 

"Time  went  on  an'  Ike,  who  had  been  out 
West,  come  home  an'  got  some  money  an' 
then  disappeared  agin.  He  kept  that  up  fer 
quite  a  spell  —  failin'  first  at  one  place  an' 
then  at  another.  He'd  grown  t'  be  a  big,  fat, 
red  faced  feller  with  a  short  flat  nose  an'  a 
bulgin'  red  mustache.  He  allus  smelled  like 
garlic,  an'  his  pantaloons  wuz  too  long,  and 
his  vest  wuz  allus  half  buttons  an'  th'  wrinkles 
filled  with  ashes.  He  seemed  t'  be  closely 
identified  with  all  th'  lodges  though,  and  his 
lapels  jist  fairly  blazoned  with  all  sorts  o'  but- 
tons an'  pins. 

"I  kin  jist  see  Ike  Pash  now,  standin'  by  th' 
town  pump  jist  back  from  one  o'  his  trips, 
blowin'  off.  He'd  talk  'bout  irrigatin'  Idyho, 
er  his  claims  up  in  th'  'wonderful  Alasky 


SHORT    FURROWS 


country,'  an'  when  you  asked  him  when  he 
wuz  goin'  back,  he'd  allus  say,  'Jist  as  soon  as 
navigation  opens  up.'  He  didn't  know  when 
he  wuz  goin'  any  place,  but  he  did  seem  t'  have 


a  awful  lot  o'  infermation  'bout  the  West  an' 
what  could  be  done  ther.  Ever'  time  he  come 
home  he  looked  worse  an'  wore  a  broader  hat. 
Th'  last  time  I  ever  seen  him  alive  wuz  th' 
mornin'  o'  th'  day  Bob  left.  He  wuz  standin' 
in  th'  snow  in  front  o'  th'  E-lite  milner  store 

[20] 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


gesticulatin'  an'  talkin'  loud  t'  a  little  crowd 
o'  fellers.  His  shoes  wuz  busted  on  th'  sides 
an'  he  had  on  a  alpaca  coat.  When  th'  crowd 
scattered  I  heerd  him  say,  'All  that  us  fellers 
out  in  Oklahomy  need  is  a  railroad.' 

"I  guess  ther  wuz  goin'  t'  be  sort  o'  a  Christ- 
mus  reunion  at  th'  Pash's  that  time,  fer  Aman- 
dy  wuz  home,  too.  It  wuz  her  first  trip  back 
since  she  skipped  th'  gutter.  What  a  trans- 
fermation  ther  wuz  in  that  girl!  You  could 
scarcely  see  her  face  fer  th'  osterich  feathers 
an'  her  hair  wuz  th'  color  o'  ole  time  seven - 
cent  sugar.  Folks  said  that  you  could  tell  by 
th'  very  heels  on  her  shoes  that  she  wuzn'  up 
t'  nothin'  honorable.  She  didn't  stay  long  an' 
her  name  wuz  never  mentioned  in  th'  Pash 
home  afterwards.  So  th'  Mason  girls  said,  an' 
they  wuz  purty  thick  with  Carrie. 

"Th'  night  Bob  went  away,  what  little  sun- 
shine that  wuz  left  in  Carrie's  life  went  a  trail- 
in'  out  o'er  th'  snow  thro'  th'  cold  an'  wind 
after  him.  His  first  letter  come  from  way  in 
th'  West  an'  told  o'  his  home  sickness  t'  see 
her  an'  how  hard  it  wuz  t'  git  on.  He  wrote 


SHORT    FURROWS 


purty  often  and'  Carrie  used  t'  wonder  if,  after 
all,  he'd  be  spared  out  o'  th'  wreck. 

"Ike's  tours  o'  th'  West  had  cost  a  heap  an' 
th'  ole  home  place  wuz  gone  up  an'  th'  Pash's 
wuz  livin'  in  a  little  house  that  stood  where  th' 
tile  mill  is.  When  Ike's  body  wuz  shipped 
home  from  Cripple  Creek  'bout  th'  last  cent 
wuz  raised  on  th'  place  to  pay  th'  expense. 
His  mother  never  got  t'  see  him.  He  had  a 
bullet  hole  right  square  in  th'  center  o'  his 
forehead.  You  couldn'  o'  put  it  any  neerder 
th'  center  with  a  pair  o'  compasses.  He  wuz 
buried  from  th'  livery  stable  an'  had  three  pall- 
bearers—  his  father,  one  o'  th'  Hainses  an' 
myself.  His  father  soon  follered  an'  he  went 
jist  as  folks  said  he'd  go.  I've  forgotten  what 
campaign  it  wuz  but  he  died  arguin'.  Th' 
lodge  buried  him  with  a  brass  band  o'  eight 
pieces,  mostly  uniformed,  an'  a  cement  tomb- 
stone an' — 

"It  wuz  th'  campaign  Parker  wuz  defeated 
by  acclamation,  fer  I  remember  they  didn' 
have  no  trouble  t'  git  th'  band,"  interrupted 
Mat  Thompson. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


"Well,  tragedies  wuz  pilin'  up  purty  fast  fer 
Carrie  but  she  bore  up  under  'em.  One  No- 
vember day  a  letter  come  from  Bob  with  a 
money  order  in  it  fer  put  nigh  a  thousan'  dol- 
lars. Bob  said  in  that  letter  he'd  be  home  fer 
Christmus  an'  Carrie  seemed  t'  git  stronger  an' 
purtier  as  she  counted  th'  hours.  But  Bob 
never  come." 

"Mollie  an'  me  found  Carrie  Pash  th'  day 
follerin'  that  Christmus,"  said  Tipton  Bud. 
"She  wuz  layin'  on  a  quilted  settee  near  th' 
fireplace.  In  one  o'  her  poor,  tired  hands  she 
held  a  faded  boyhood  picture  o'  Bob.  On  th' 
floor  beside  her  wuz  a  letter.  It  wuz  from  th' 
warden  o'  a  Californy  prison.  Bob  had  hooked 
some  money  in  November  an'  died  in  prison. 
In  th'  little  dinin'  room  with  its  flowered  cur- 
tains th'  table  wuz  set  an'  Carrie  had  got  out 
a  white  table  spread  an'  her  old  blue  weddin' 
chiny." 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  that  while  it 
hain't  proper  it's  often  necessary  t'  hold  hands 
with  a  young  man  you've  only  met  once. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


She  who  hesitates  is  saved. 


Marriage  haint  a  lottery  'cause  you  allus  git 
ever'  thing  that's  comin'  t'  you. 


Some  fellers  er  very  fastidious  til  they  come 
t'  a  free  lunch.  One  fork  makes  th'  whole 
world  kin. 


Th'  girl  that  runs  with  an  easy  mark  allus 
marries  a  tightwad. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Time  seems  t'  have  some  folks  on  th'  free 
list. 


Th'  latest  menace  is  th'  feller  that  smokes 
th'  band  on  his  nickel  se-gar. 


I  wonder  how  long  some  fellers  would  stick 
t'  a  secret  order  if  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  gold  braid? 


Nothin'  seems  t'  be  impossible  fer  a  hand- 
some woman  er  a  smooth  stranger. 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Ther's  still  a  few  honest  folks  left  but  they 
never  seem  t'  find  anything  you  lose. 


If  you'd  fire  some  fellers  out  o'  a  cannon  it 
wouldn'  muss  ther  hair. 


If  you  want  t'  be  wafted  back  t'  childhood's 
happy  days  jist  bite  hit'  a  green  pear. 


Sarah  Bernhardt  in  Camille  is  th'  new  film 
at  th'  Alhambry.  Tell  Binkley  says  he's  often 
paid  three  dollars  t'  see  her  on  th'  hoof. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  defeated  can- 
didate that  use  t'  publish  a  card  o'  thanks  an' 
promise  t'  support  th'  ticket? 


SHORT    FURROWS 


What  we   need   is  fuller  dinner  pails   an' 
fuller  skirts. 


[21] 


ABE     MARTIN'S 


Th'  average  husband  can't  understand  why 
his  wife  should  need  any  money  when  she 
don't  chew  er  smoke. 


Some  fellers  don't  strike  ther  natural  gate 
till  ther  sixty. 


Live  so  you  kin  go  t'  th'  the-ater  without 
makin'  your  grocer  mad. 


Ever'  time  I  look  at  some  fellers  I  can't  help 
thinkin'  what  good  wives  they'd  make  fer 
some  girls. 


Th'  pen  is  mightier  than  th'  sword.     'Spe- 
cially a  pustoffice  pen. 


SHORT    FURROWS 


Next  t'  a  dyed  mustache  nothin'  gives  a  fel- 
ler away  quicker'n  run  over  heels. 

* 

I'm  allus  glad  when  fall  comes  an'  Fawn 
Lippincut  puts  th'  side  curtains  on  her  elbows. 


Th'  feller  that  catches  a  big  string  o'  fish 
allus  has  t'  walk  right  thro'  town  t'  git  home. 


~l 

',} 


THE  END. 


Other  Abe  Martin  Books 


A  few  copies  of  Abe  Martin's  Almanacks  for 
1909,  1910  and  1912  are  still  in  print.  One  dollar 
each.  Postage  five  cents.  Address  Abe  Martin 
Publishing  Company,  Indianapolis. 


LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  756  621     9 


Si:  Si!  •:  iiii:; 


W m  Wi-WW 

im     $m 


